Letters To Companies I Hate - Day 3

Dear NBA Color Commentators,

Every night you sit there around a table with your old NBA buddies all dressed up in your pastel shirts and high fashion suits and ties that make it look like one of the gays from project runway got you in his clutches before the show. Your job? You reinvent the wheel.

I am curious. Do you ever just sit and listen to the words that come out of your mouth? I’m sure that you do, and that is what is so surprising to me. I mean, honestly, how may ways can you answer the question, “What do the (your favorite team here) need to do to win it?” Let me give you a hint that might save you some air and probably your 3 remaining brain cells. To win any game, all a team needs to do is score more points than the other team! That’s it. End of story.

And this is how you make a living!

I’m amazed at how many people make their living off of speaking when they have nothing important, or even logically coherent to say. Do us all a favor. Cork it and just let us watch the game!

-Bags

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Stupidity Is…

Stupidity is going to yoga to make your body feel better, then leaving yoga and eating a double cheesburger with fries and a Dr. Pepper.

I still feel like throwing up.

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Letters To Companies I Hate - Day 2

Ok, so I quickly realized that with the pressures of work, a developing romantic interest and work, writing one embittered and resentful letter per day is highly a unrealistic expectation. I will, however, do my best to keep up with the demand. Please don’t hate me if you don’t get 30 letters this month.

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Dear FLDS (Fundamentalist Latter-Day Saints, or as I like to say, the Fake Latter-Day Saints) Church,

I can’t help but notice your ever growing popularity with the media over the recent weeks. All of this hoopla about polygamist raids and cousins marrying cousins and whatnot… it’s really starting to piss me off.

Ironically, the reasons spawning my irritation are not likely to be the same as the majority of those other critics who refer to you a mentally unsound, and grossly morally backwards institution. The fact of the matter is that I already knew you were mentally unsound and morally backwards. I knew that polygamy was still being practiced in some little sick and twisted po-dunk community out there. I also knew that one day the shit would hit the fan, someone would expose you… and that’s when the mud flinging would begin.

Well, that day is today, and now the negative publicity for your church is inevitably resulting in negative publicity for mine.

The world is disgusted by the “Fundamentalist Mormons”. I hear it over and over every day. “Fundamentalist Mormons, Fundamentalist Mormons, Fundamentalist Mormons!” Did the creators of your church eat stupid pills the day they were to decide on a name? Seriously, I can see it now… *wavy flashback effect*…

“Hey, since our church stopped allowing men to marry as many women as we want, why don’t we just leave and start our own church where we can do whatever we want?”

“You’re a genius! Let’s do it! But we’ll need a name. What should we call ourselves?”

“Hmmmm, well, we want it to sound fun so people will join… and we want it to sound smart so people will think we’re smart… HEY! How bout the Fun-da-mentalist Mormons!”

“I like it! It’s original, unique and not at all similar to any other religion we may have belonged to in the past and would never want to be associated with in the future.”

Seriously, you just don’t get more screwed up than that. We don’t want anything to do with the Blue Team anymore, so we are forming our own team! It’s called the Fundamentalist Blue Team… nobody will suspect a thing. Argh! (Grunt of frustration.)

I guess more than anything, I just hate it when someone realizes that their ship is sinking fast so they look around and pull anyone they can get their hands on down with them. Millions of wholesome, good standing Mormons the world over now have a need to defend their beliefs to the skeptic and the unfamiliar because of your inane inability to think sensibly.

Do us all a favor and get your own freaking original name and learn take responsibility for your own actions.

-Bags

A note to the rest of the world: Mormons don’t practice polygamy. Fundamentalist Mormons are not Mormons any more than Tom Cruise is one… but they are just as crazy.

2 comments.

Letters To Companies I Hate - Day 1

Dear Ventana Student Housing,

I have been living in your residential complex for over a year now. As the months have crept by, I have been continually impressed by your ability to successfully run a people oriented business without orienting your business around your people.

As a new month approaches, just like any other apartment complex, I am required to pay you rent. Ironically, your office hours overlap perfectly with mine turning the act of paying my rent into a fun combination game of hide-and-seek and tag. I always start looking for you where you least expect it… the office. I figure that since it’s such a good hiding place, and since nobody else is there at 8:00 in the morning, you might show up one day and I’ll catch you. This is never really the case though because you start work an hour after the rest of the world decides to start. After dashing my hopes in the 4 foot deep swimming pool, I abandon my Rent Pay Game until about 5:00 PM. At the sound of the whistle, I rush to my car, speed home and bolt to the office… again, the doors are locked.

People tell me that you are there from time to time, but I don’t believe it. To me, you are like some mythical creature like the Lucky the Leprechaun, Sasquatch or the Chupacabra. Have you ever tried paying rent to the Lucky the Leprechaun? Those kids can never catch him! Granted, you do have a rent drop box but it’s inside the office which is locked when your ludicrously and inconveniently planned 9:00-to-5:00-with-a-random-two-hour-lunch-business-hours are over. Is this also part of the game?

I would, however, like to thank you for providing me with the convenient option of paying my rent online… for an additional $20 fee (which is equivalent to the fee received if I pay my rent late… so why bother really?). Like all college students, I am made of money and can afford to pay an extra $240 a year for the convenience of not having to try to guess when your dependable office staff will be present to relieve me of this cumbersome $330 check that’s burning a hole in my pocket.

I guess all the craziness associated with paying rent can be overlooked because of the wonderful amenities you provide us, like a pool and a hot tub. It’s nice to have the hot tub back in commission from its winter break, now that the weather is getting hot and muggy again. There’s nothing quite like dragging my butt through a scorching hot day and then getting to reward myself by sitting in a 100 degree hot tub. Despite what other people say, I’m glad you emptied it out for the winter. I mean, who wants to sit in a hot tub when it’s cold outside? That’s almost as ridiculous as wanting to run through the sprinklers on a hot day.

I know you feel like the poor, picked-on kid from elementary school who nobody likes and everyone hates because you’re stupid and ugly. But did you ever stop to consider the ever popular phrase, ‘The customer is always right.’? I know it’s a far fetched idea, but maybe if you catered to your customers a little bit, they wouldn’t egg the University Parking Patrol cars or steal the complex master key or the flat screen TVs out of the office to get back at you.

I wish you luck in your future endeavors… and by the way, when will you be around so I can pay my rent?

6 comments.

I Need Your Help!

Ok, so for the past few weeks I’ve been driving myself nuts trying to decide on the next month’s theme for my blog. I love having something to write about every day, especially if it makes someone laugh. To help me make a decision, I’m soliciting your help! Please cast your vote so I can start writing again.

Humorously Depressing Image of the Day - Day 30

If you ever thought you were in the wrong place at the wrong time… well, it could have been worse.

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Humorously Depressing Image of the Day - Day 29

And now, I share with you my worst nightmare…

As the sun peeked through the blinds, the haze of sleep slowly faded as I drifted back into consciousness. A bird chirping on the window seal, and judging by the bright blue sky that penetrated the haze of my room, today was going to be beautiful. I stretched my arms and legs, yawned and rolled over to meet her gaze…

I’ll bet I had you fooled. You totally thought that it wasn’t a nightmare, then you saw the picture and you were like, “Bags, I thought you were teasing.”

Come on people! I told you it was a nightmare!

Thank you Rosie and Photoshop for the penultimate Humorously Depressing Image of the Day.

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Humorously Depressing Image of the Day - Day 28

This kid is lucky to be alive. I don’t know how he did it and still manages to have a smile on his face. (Read the sub-text carefully.)

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Humorously Depressing Image of the Day - Day 27

“CLAY AIKEN!” Did that make you smile?  Did it make you cringe?  Did it make you cringe which looked like a smile?  It made me do all three.

1 comment.

My Friend Bob

My cousin, Garrett Smith (of Garrett Smith Productions) is the only real friend I’ve had since childhood that isn’t part of my immediate family. We’ve gone on vacations together, played sports together, suffered through scout camps together, and our mothers even used to bathe us together. If that’s not bonding, I don’t know what is.

Recently, Garrett invited me over to check out his new ‘crib’. His old place was in a more run down part of Salt Lake, and he and his wife felt that it was about time to upgrade to a more accommodating living situation.

Upon entering their home, I realized that the smell alone trumped their old place completely. They had a kitchen that was bigger than a closet, a beautiful family room and even a studio upstairs for their photography business.

After making it through the tour, they rewarded me for my patience, and let me play with their frogs, Yoshi and Bob. As I sat admiring all that the frogs were capable of (changing color, jumping, sticking to walls and everything else) they explained to me that Yoshi was the smart frog and Bob was the dumb one. This was evidenced as we placed the two frogs into a container full of crickets. Yoshi promptly jumped at a cricket, consumed it and climbed out of the container. Bob, on the other hand, jumped at a cricket and smashed his head into the wall. Apparently he has a flat nose as a result of his tendency to do this. It took Bob about 3 times as long to eat a cricket as it did Yoshi. We then had to help Bob out of the container full of crickets, cause apparently he doesn’t know which way is up.

After taking him out of the container, who did he jump to? Yup! You guessed it! I scampered right over to me… or my crotch rather. Apparently like really does attract like.

Here are some pictures Garrett took of Bob molesting me.

Not only does Garrett take pictures of crazy tree frogs molesting his cousin, but he takes some of the most beautiful pictures I’ve ever seen. He has a style that and talent that you just won’t don’t get from your best friend’s digital camera. The best way to explain is by just checking out his work.

I asked him to send me a few of his favorite pictures, many of which are my favorites of his work as well. Here they are! (Click on them to see a larger view.)

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I love the ‘frozen in time’ effect of this picture.

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Below is a couple standing in front of a totally awesome tree.

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Below is a more stylized shot of a bride and groom.

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The last bridal shot, here, is by far my favorite. It gives me warm fuzzies just looking at it.

If you have interest in using Garrett’s mad photography skills for a wedding, a reception, a sporting event, a family photo, school pictures or any other event you can contact him at (801)706-4339 or (801)809-7714. Check out his website to see more samples of his work. Let him know I sent you, and he’ll probably give you a great discount off of his already awesome prices.

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