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Archives
What’s That Smell?
Do you ever see something that is so disturbingly funny that you just can’t resist sharing it with others? It’s kind of like some terrible car wreck surrounded by carnage and twisted metal. You know you’ll regret watching, yet for some reason, you can’t help but look. I think it’s human nature to be curious.
Victoria’s Downfall
Here, once again, is a letter to a company that I have had the desire to hassle for years. I hope you enjoy it!
Dear Victoria’s Secret,
I am a 23 year old straight, single, male college student. I am writing to inform you that your advertising has had a severely adverse affect on my life. I can no longer participate in anything that remotely resembles a serious relationship, because my perception of women has been unrealistically skewed. The superficial views that have now become popular in our society have only been magnified by your ads. I am now doomed to a life of solitude and loneliness. To help other single adult males avoid falling into the same fateful trap that I have been thrust into, I demand a plan of action. I wish to know what you are going to do to prevent easily influenced, superficial men (such as myself) from this oh so hazardous state. This dire situation fueled by your advertising could lead to the downfall of our society, and the destruction of the family. As this is an incredibly important issue, I expect a prompt response. I look forward to hearing back from you.
I ‘m excited to hear about this one…
A Boot to the Wallet
Over the past few years, I have had an increasingly negative attitude towards the city in which I live. As of late, I have decided to change my attitude and look for the good within the city limits rather than the prudish, judgmental people, the anal police, a city-wide curfew and caddy women. I am proud to say that I have made some headway in my quest. I have really made a consorted effort to appreciate what good the things I hate bring to the table. Last night, however, destroyed all of my efforts.
Last night, I had a dinner appointment at 6:30 with some very good friends of mine. I was held up at work, and thus, was late to dinner, buy my female friends understood (they are wonderful, they always do). After dinner, we watched the movie “Elf” in celebration of the half birthday of Christmas. The week had already taken a toll on my energy level, so of course, I fell asleep about half way through. I don’t remember the exact moment that I woke up, all that I know is that it was after midnight. This, in my town, means disaster. I jumped from my deliciously comfy spot on the couch said some choice profanities in my head (I really shouldn’t do that). I grabbed my things and was ushered out the door by Tiffanie. I was holding my digital camera and my external hard drive in my hands, hustling down the stairs. I looked up and realized that the sprinklers were on. As I rounded the corner at the bottom of the stairs I was greeted by a steady stream of water directly in my face. I swear, it was like something out of a movie. Had I not been groggy, carrying expensive equipment or upset at my impending doom, I guess I would have laughed. I trudged on through the fountains of fluid. I think the sprinkling system must have been cursed, because the spouts of water were totally following me as I fled down the sidewalk.
Upon arriving at my car, I found that what I had been dreading to be true was confirmed to me. A bright yellow piece of paper was taped to my window along with a nice orange boot of death on one of my tires. That’s right, dear reader, I was booted. Regardless of the near-empty parking lot in which I was stationed, someone deemed my car unworthy of its placement. During the week, nearly every parking lot in Provo is patrolled by the University Parking Enforcement, and all cars without appropriate parking permits are booted or towed. I mean, heaven help us if we presume to have a social life after midnight! I called the number on the paper to be freed from my once mobile prison, and was told that someone would be arriving to remove my boot in 10 min.
Almost 20 minutes later, a nerdy, overweight University Parking employee showed up in his refrigerator box-esque Scion to take the payment of $50 from me, along with my dignity. He jumped out of his car and greeted me with all the zeal of Jabba the Hut on Prozac. He asked how I was doing. I stared him in the face and said, “What do you think? I have a boot on my car.” His reply was, “Oh, yeah…” In seconds, he had removed the dreaded device and cruised on his way… leaving me there to steam on my own disdain for the little things that make Provo Provo. My life is still a joke… even if it’s not a very funny one.
The Deathly Hallows
SPOILER ALERT! If you have not yet read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, (Book 7) I recommend you stop reading now!
I don’t think Ms. Rowling could have ended the Harry Potter series in a more perfect way. After a day full of betrayal, chases, narrow escapes, goblins, giants, deaths, life and awesome Weasley-twin wisecracks, I am ready to sleep. I am so happy that Harry, Hermione and Ron all live! I am elated that one of the women I hate most in the world (although fictional), Bellatrix Lestrange was hosed… and it couldn’t have been done by anyone more deserving (except Neville). I’m so glad that Harry was given a way out of dying (more than once) and was able to defeat his all-time arch nemesis, Voldemort. And, not only was he able to eliminate his existence, but he was able to teach him a lesson on being a man before doing so.
I am not going to lie to you, this book had me absolutely engrossed. I didn’t realize I was so attached to some of these characters until they jerked the tears right from my eyes. I had to stop reading for a few minutes after finding Dobby dead. To be honest, he was never a favorite character of mine. As ‘The Other Nate’ put it, he is the Jar Jar Binks of the Harry Potter series. Yet he represents something that Jar Jar lacks, a complete devotion and love for someone who treated him differently than everyone else. It’s one thing to know that someone will give their life to save you. It’s completely another to witness the act.
The only other portion of the book that made me misty was nearing the end, at the arrival of the hosts of wonderful wizards who arrived at the ‘Room of Acquirement’. It always made me happy to see people force their aide on Harry when he felt that he should be doing things alone, without burdening his load on anyone else. It just goes to show that one of the best ways to judge your quality as a person is to take a look a the quality of people who chose to surround themselves around you. It never mattered how down on himself Harry got, or how discourage or self-pitying, he always had people who knew and loved the good in him to push him onward, even if it required themselves to take a loss.
Overall, the book was fantastic, and although I am slightly disappointed that I will never have the chance to count down the days until the ‘next Harry Potter book’ is released, I will enjoy very much, forcing my children to read these masterpieces, and being able to discuss all the beauty they contain. Fred, Dobby, Lupin, Tonks, Mad-Eye …. may you rest in peace.
“Wine Tasters”
I came across a video on youtube, because I have WAY too much time on my hands. It truly puts a new twist on wine tasters… or at least that’s what I thought of when I saw the clip. It made me realize how thankful I am that first, I’m not a dog, and second, that I don’t have to smell anybody’s butt to be socially accepted. Can you imagine?… acutally, please don’t.
Improv Everywhere
I came across my dream website this week, thanks to Jonny Grover. ImprovEverywhere is a blog done by people who do the things that I dream of doing (and that’s saying something, since I’m normally the one who does/says the things that other people only dare to think). The goal of the website is to show the readers (and recruit them) how cool it is to play large scale, harmless, jokes on people. The tagline of the site is “We Cause Scenes.” Anybody interested in a good time should give it a look. I’ll put a couple of links up to my favorite pranks. Be careful though, ImprovEverywhere can be addicting. View in moderation!
“Cell Phone Symphony”
“Slow Mo Home Depot”
“Look Up More”
Instant Karma
As most of you know, I love music… especially when the music has a purpose. Yesterday, I was listening to the radio (the CD player in my car broke recently) and heard Jack Johnson covering John Lennon’s song ‘Imagine.’ I do not lie when I say it brought tears to my eyes. I did a search on iTunes and found out that his song is part of a collaboration of various artists trying to end the civil unrest in Darfur, Sudan. The project is called “Instant Karma, The Campaign to Save Darfur” and has involved such artists as Lenny Kravitz, U2, Green Day, Ben Harper, Aerosmith, Avril Lavigne, The Flaming Lips, Jack Johnson and more. I will definitely be adding most, if not all, of these songs to my collection. Be sure to go to the charity website and take a look at the CD on iTunes! It will be worth the look.
