The White Ninja

For the last two months, I have lived alone in my enormous four bedroom apartment. One roommate was only home to sleep on the weekends. The other two (the Asians) are visiting their families for the summer, but kept their contracts so as not to lose them. Needless to say, it has been a very quiet and lonely two months. It has also, however, been very clean. Yesterday, upon opening my door, I was surprised to enter into a boisterous and lively dwelling space. I have a new roommate! I ran to the back of my apartment yelping with joy! I was no longer alone in the world. As I rounded the corner of the room from whence the welcome noise was being emitted, I saw him. I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining, but I have been praying for an American roomie for a few months now… not one who wanted to be American. To my surprise, the landlords graced me with my third and final Asian roomie.

I don’t want you to get me wrong. I’m not a racist… I’m actually kind of glad. A whole new world of opportunity has been opened up before me. I get to experience a new culture, a new social scene, and many new smells. If living with one Asian is good, living with three should have incredible perks. Rather than just spell them out to you, I have decided to go ahead and make a top ten list of why it’s cool to have an Asian roommate.

10) You will never need a study group for my math classes. Your roomies should have all the answers.

9) If you ever throw a party, you’ll get your pick of the women, because as Hollywood so accurately teaches… the Asians never get the girl. (see: Jackie Chan, Chow Yun-Fat and Cheech and Chong… they were Asian, right?)

8 ) You’ll never have to carry a camera.

7) You will definitely be the least likely to get into a car accident.

6) You’ll be the tallest person in the apartment.

5) You can belch after eating, and it’s acceptable.

4) If you fart, and you have guests, you can just blame it on the Kimchi.

3) I always wanted to know how to drift.

2) They are rearry rearry sirry.

1) You can pick up on mad ninja skills!

I saved number 1 for last because I had to expound on it. I have decided that if I end up sticking around in this apartment, I’ll be calling myself the “Great White Ninja” and will be learning all I can from my stealthy roomies about their secret moves and death grips. Before you know it, the Great White Ninja will have snuck up on you and dealt you your last blow!

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Evil Overloard

Have you ever watched a movie and just rolled your eyes at the super villain, wondering how such an incompetent moron came to power? Do you ever get frustrated watching evil henchmen dance around the hero, waiting for their turn to attack and inevitably be defeated? Do you squirm every time you hear an evil overlord begin to monologue, revealing his entire insidious plot to the presumably helpless protagonist? It gets old doesn’t it? Wouldn’t you think, that after learning of defeat after defeat of previous villains, other bad guys would think to themselves, “Hmmm, maybe this time around, the self destruct button shouldn’t be in plain sight labeled ‘Do Not Push’.”

If you think about it, changing the meager success rate (or overwhelming failure rate, rather) for villains should not be a hard thing to do. Maybe, with a little more crony training, a little less deranged laughter, and smaller air ducts the villains would have a fighting chance! You never know, they might even break even once or twice. This is proved with the most hilarious list I think I’ve ever read. It reveals all possible weaknesses and stereotypes of every empowered evil-doer in histroy, and how they can be overcome.

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Real “Lame” Salt Lake

This past weekend, I got to do something I have had the craving to do for months… I went to a Real Salt Lake soccer game. I was extremely excited, as soccer is probably my most guilty and pleasureful of my guilty pleasures. I was anxious to see the huge field, be surrounded by crazed fans and participate in some heckling. Most of all, I was just excited to see “the beautiful game” be played. I was, however, highly disappointed.

“The beautiful game” was defecated on by my very own team. I sat rooting for, what I knew, was one of the lowest ranked teams in the MLS. I had high hopes that I would witness an upset against a so-called ‘better’ team. I know that soccer can be any teams game on any given day. There really is no ‘better’ team (as Brazil proved in last year’s World Cup). I was crossing fingers and toes and anything else I could cross with the hope of seeing an RSL goal, or at least a good match. I watched the Fire steal ball after ball, and take multiple shots, one of which was one of the most beautiful volleys that I’ve seen in a LONG time. Chicago quickly and easily took the lead. The huge Fire fan base was going crazy. It was a very sobering experience.

I want to emphasize, however, that as much as I hate to lose… losing was not the most disappointing thing about my RSL experience. The real let down was witnessing a stadium full of crazed fans cheer for a team who had (from what I could see) little or no interest in winning. It is a sad, SAD day when the passion the fans have for the game exceeds the passion of the athletes. There are so many amazing players out there that love the game, who would die to play professionally… if the RSL team (excepting Andy Williams, #77, who was the only player who looked like he had the desire to score) doesn’t have the desire or motivation to play the game, bring in someone who does. I honestly saw more desire to win during the half time show… how sad is that?

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Toilet Humor

I stumbled across the most amazing toilet I’ve ever seen today. I don’t know if I’d have the guts to use it though… it looks fairly intimidating. It would definitely be an adventure though… and probably really wierd. What do you think? Would you use it? I’m anxious to know.

Thanks to forumishqiptar for the images.

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One Last Gripe

I am a college student living in Utah (as most of my readers probably know, since you’re either a close friend or family member). I have found that the longer I live here in Utah Valley, the more things I encounter that absolutely befuddle me and drive me to loathe the very place I live in. I’ve whined and complained about the pressure applied to the young single-adult population to get married. I have bickered about the strict enforcement of ‘curfew’ and grooming. I’ve grumbled (about every six months) about the Provo “apartment shuffle.” I have even fussed about how predictable, ‘cloned’ and judgmental so many of the people who surround me seem to be. Over the past few weeks, however, I have gained insight and direction regarding, not only my outlook on life, but many important decisions regarding my future. The aforementioned ‘past few weeks’ have been a real eye opener for me. I came to the realization that no matter where you live, you will find EXACTLY what you are looking for.

For example, if you go through life with the attitude that your life sucks, and that you will be hosed at the turn of every corner, you will use every negative experience as an opportunity to validate the point that you have a crummy life. The best thing about this concept, though, is that it works the other way as well! If you go through life with a mindset that your life is amazing, you will find an opportunity every day to prove that your life really does rock your socks. The attitude and perspective I’m referring to is beautifully communicated in one of my favorite inspirational thoughts written by Kent Keith…

Anyway: The Paradoxical Commandments

People are illogical, unreasonable and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.

People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you’ll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.

Isn’t that an encouraging bit of literature? I thought so.

Now, many of you may be curious as to what has lead to this sudden change in attitude. My course was set in motion over two years ago when I received some advice from a great man, and a great friend of mine… Brad Wilcox. He recommended that, upon my return home from Chile, I attend Brigham Young University. I have never been a fan of “The Y” despite the fact that the majority of my closest friends claim it as their Alma Mater. Needless to say, I wrote off the advice as a trifle and have since gone to UVSC (aka: Diet BYU, BYU Jr., 13th Grade) where I have graduated with my Associates Degree, and up until a few weeks ago, had planned on finishing my schooling. Since graduating with my AA degree, I have had this unsettling feeling that I was meant for greater things that a Digital Imaging degree from an open enrollment college. I was discussing my schooling with my good friend, Blake, when upon hearing about Pres. Wilcox’s advice, he suggested I reevaluate my feelings towards BYU. I realized that half of the reason that I haven’t wanted to attend “The Y” was because my attitude towards the school was tainted due to my attitude. Amazing as it is, I have decided to put aside all pride and prejudice (I hate that movie) and apply for the school that has been the bane of my existence for so long. If you can’t beat them, join them.

Now, before I commit 100% to this whole ‘positive attitude’ thing, I must indulge myself in one last gripe. What is it with Utah drivers? I fear that Utah is the only place in the western hemisphere where the passing lane is on the right, roundabouts are commonplace, the entire freeway must slow down to make sure that the man changing his tire is okay, and a turn signal is meant as a confirmation that your lane change was successful rather than a heads up that you intend to move over. Honestly people… everyone complains, but nobody EVER changes.

Yesterday I witnessed what could have been the end of my life. The two SUV’s in front of me both decided to enter into the unoccupied lane between the two of them… at the same time. Neither was using their turn signal. One SUV performed the ‘post initiation lane change blind spot check’ and realize that she was about to side swipe the grandma in the SUV next to her. As she swerved back into her original lane, I witnessed the extensive vocabulary of the pleasant looking grandma who had performed the successful lane transfer. I was quite glad that I am not a great lip reader.

It was on this same journey that I realized that I can shave over 5 minutes off of my trip from Provo to Salt Lake by driving in the right hand lane. For some reason, there is some sort of blanket assumption among Utah drivers that the only people who drive in the right hand lane are those who are entering/exiting the freeway, or the dregs of society such as the crappy tippers, anyone who is anti-hygiene, or baby killers. As I very obviously fall (very gracefully) into two of these three categories, I took my place in the gutter of the freeway and surprisingly, found myself free of congestion. As I passed the soccer mom’s in their huge, gas guzzling SUV’s with the stickers of the stick-figure families on the rear window, and the spoiled high school students in their Audi’s and BMW’s stuck behind semis and old blue-haired grandmas, I was overcome with the thought that maybe being a baby killer has its perks.

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My Simpsons Character

Even thought my Mom never let me watch “The Simpson’s” I still thought this was cool… and yes… that is me.

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Super Heroes

I love super heroes. I used to fantasize about having a super power that nobody knew about. It didn’t matter to me if they came because I was an alien sentient, from a genetic mutation, or even as a result of being dropped into a vat of chemicals. I imagined dressing up in a costume so I was unrecognizable to everybody. I would help those in need. I could catch criminals with my super speed, or sneak up on them when I was invisible. I think almost every boy, while growing up, has his favorite super hero, and probably fantasized about being one.

My favorite super hero was Michaelangelo from the Ninja Turtles. He was obsessed with pizza, and cracking jokes. Not only was he funny, but he was a human sized turtle that talked like a surfer! Who doesn’t like that? Now I’m curious… who was your favorite super hero? Let me know!

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