Mr. Splashy Pants

Thanks to Gthing for the funniest blog post I’ve read all week. Greenpeace, the Forest Protectors and Ocean Defenders of the world, has now taken on the battle of whale awareness. To do this, they started a whale naming competition on their website. Over 11,000 names were submitted (I’m amazed that they get that much traffic) in hopes to imortalize themselves with a great humpback whale they will never meet… and that doesn’t even speak their language! Most of the names are in other languages (not English) and have spiritual or inspirational meanings, such as Nurani (conscience in Indonesia) or Kigai (strong spirit in Japanese). One name, however, has taken a firm hold on the first place position. No, no, it’s not Stephen Colbert. I dare say it’s even better… its’ Mr. Splashy Pants. Last I checked, Mr. Splashy pants held well over 70% of the votes. Ironically enough, it is also the only English name on the list. Live it to the Americans to outdo everyone else on the map with Mr. Splashy Pants. The recipe is simple, there’s no hidden meaning behind it, there’s no historical significance or etymological importance… just Mr. Splashy Pants. Please take some time out of surfing the web for that perfect Christmas present and vote for Mr. Splashy Pants! Mr. Splashy Pants, may you pass safely along the Great Whale Trail, and may your back always be humpy!

We hope to have t-shirts available shortly…

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Happy Birthday The Big Bags!

The 10th of November was The Big Bags’ birthday! Yay! I feel slightly bad that I am celebrating two weeks late. Oh well, a party’s a party… so HAPPY BIRTHDAY BIG BAGS!!!

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Walmart

I believe that Walmart is as about as important to our society as a hair loss infomercial. I try to avoid “Wally World” if at all possible. Whenever I go there, there seems to be more shopping carts occupying parking stalls than actual cars. There also seems to be an unsightly number of Walmart employees who tend to browse the aisles more frequently than the actual customers. Those employees who aren’t shopping are normally off conversing with their peers in the women’s lingerie section, or near the help desk. Despite the fact that there are an overabundance of employees sporting their classy “How May I Help You” vests, there are normally only 4 cash registers open at any given time, each with a line that winds back to the lingerie section, providing each shopper a glimpse of Laverne and Betsy’s ongoing conversation centered around cup sizes.

On one recent occasion I decided to venture into Walmart to make a purchase. As usual, I was greeted by the same old lady that stalks the entryway of the local Walmart with large hoop earrings, black orthopedic shoes and a heavy aroma of menthol. She half smiled and half waved at me as I walked by a row of day-old donut holes.

I proceeded to shop, if you can call it shopping. Shopping at Walmart is the closest thing to real life “Where’s Waldo?“that I can think of. After acres of mazes and searching, I had my baskt full of goods and picked my line.

Line picking at Walmart is a tricky process. The shortest line most often is not the fastest moving line. One must evaluate not only the line length, but the apparent competency of the cashier as well as the intelligence level of each patron (ie: will they try to pay with a check or food stamps?) along with the amount of goods stored within the confines of their shopping cart.

After a quick look, I judged the majority of the cashiers to be slightly retarded, and headed straight to the self check-out line. One line in particular looked promising due to the fairly intelligent looking line-standers. None seemed to have fruit, cash or food stamps in tow… so I jumped in line. The line cruised along until the lady before myself arrived at the register. If this lady was a super hero, I could only assume that she had been bitten by a radioactive sloth. She moved slower than cold tar moving uphill on a freezing January morning in Alberta. I felt like I was watching grass grow as I observed her check-out procedure. I started swapping glances with the people behind me. They rolled their eyes in exacerbation and whispered under their breath. The audacity of this slow woman! How dare her sloth-like movements rob us of an entire 10 minutes of our precious Walmart time!? I could see that the woman was beginning to feel the heat of everyone behind her. Not one to be rude, I began to help her a little and struck up a casual conversation.

“Oh, the barcode is on the bottom of that box.” I said with a smile.

“I’m so sorry I’m so slow.”

“No, no, it’s totally fine. Don’t even worry about it. I needed some time to think anyway, it’s been a busy day.” I replied.

She smiled at me and began to tell me her story. “A couple of months ago, I had some serious heart problems. They had to give me open heart surgery. Ever since, I’ve had very slow reflexes. I always loved going through the self check-out line. My daughter always comes with me to help me out, especially since the surgery, but she couldn’t make it this time.”

Talk about a kick in the metaphorical balls. I just smiled at her and told her to take all the time she needed. I didn’t bother exchanging looks with anyone else as I checked out. I just kept to my thoughts as my new friend pushed her cart out of the store. It’s so easy to think about how people inconvenience us. We sit there and get frustrated or upset… yet all too often, a smiling face and a friendly gesture will reveal that maybe it’s us who is not functioning correctly. I think we have learned so well to think with our brains that we have little or no room in our lives left to think with our hearts. This Christmas season, lets try to do a little more heart thinking, smile giving and friend making. It might mean giving up some of our time, patience or even physical possessions… but isn’t that what it’s all about in the long run anyway?

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My Pathetic Dating Life… Here’s A Laugh For You

This weekend was going to be amazing. I was supposed to go on three awesome dates with three awesome girls. It’s been so long since I’ve actually been excited about going on a date that it was very hard to believe that I had three set up within just a few days of each other… and I was actually looking forward to each one. Now they are over, and here I sit at my computer at nearly 2:00 am on Sunday morning, utterly befuddled. Two of my three dates this week totally tanked. I’ve been trying to deduce the reason for such a low success rate (trust me, I had plenty of time to think about this… I spent the majority of my day in the car). Maybe it’s just me, but when a guy uses the phrase, “Do you want to be my date?” or offers to drive over 4 hours to see you, a little respect and maybe some personal attention may be in line. Two of my 3 dates ended up turning into a polygamist social event. Rather than having a nice evening with a girl, getting to know one another and having fun, I had to fight off packs of wild roommates and friends (mostly female) for a few minutes of attention from my supposed dates. What on God’s green earth is wrong with these girls!? Seriously! Do I have cooties or an uncanny resemblance to some infamous rapist? I don’t think I’m hard to get along with, or that I’m unbearably ugly. I like to think my mom taught me how to treat women with respect, and I’m creative enough to avoid the whole traditional dinner-and-a-movie date. I’m not a wife-hunter like so many Utah Valley guys are, and from what the married girls tell me, I am a ‘catch.’ If this is the case, why do my dates suck so bad!? Quite the conundrum. The funny thing is that the girls that provide me with these legendary dating experiences are probably the same girls who complain to their roommates and their mothers about how they never get asked out on dates, and that men don’t pay enough attention to them… how ironic.

Well, I’ve done my fair share of venting and complaining. I hate to shed such a negative light on dating. I mentioned that 2 of the 3 dates were crap. Well… that leaves 1 blissfully, perfectly enjoyable date. Last night was just what the doctor ordered. It was so utterly (not udder-ly) refreshing to go out with a girl who was interesting, sweet, thoughtful, happy, fun and just plain great (that list is highly underdeveloped). My issue now is that she had more dates this weekend than I did! Obviously it’s no secret that this girl is wonderful. I’m not saying that I’m going to marry this girl… or even that I’m going to date her steadily, but it’s about time that I find someone I actually want to take out more than once. I will obviously have to act quickly to get a second date out of her before some Provo All Star swoops in to snatch her away. Wish me luck on my one semi-success this week. Really… I’ll need it. If anyone knows of a beautiful girl (inside and out) who wants to be spoiled, held, loved, danced with, daydreamed about and straight up adored, let me know.

PS. Girls, leave your roomies at home! And God? Please let this portion of my life (the lonely part), otherwise known as your little practical joke, end soon…

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Bob Dylan

Bob Dylan is legendary. He wrote lots of songs… but I didn’t know that he coined my favorite phrase. I am amazed, and hope you enjoy this as much as I did.

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Turkey Day…

Here is a video that I really appreciate. It makes me excited for Turkey Day that is fast approaching.

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Marriage

For a very long time, probably since I’ve been home from South America, I have been fairly opposed to myself getting married in a hurry. Maybe it’s a disease I have, but since I grew up in a very sheltered environment, I catch myself finding some kind of sick pleasure in rebelling against my uber-conserviative surroundings. As much as I like making good decisions, I hate doing it because everyone else is doing it, or because my mom or church leaders tell me to. I like to make smart decisions because I’m smart. Maybe it’s a pride thing. Well, today, my eyes were opened. I saw my great friends Jeff and Kelly get married. It was a beautiful ceremony, but what really impressed me was that they were both so freakin’ happy! Seriously people, I have never seen Jeff so happy… ever. Being one of very few single people present, I associated with many of the newlyweds married family and friends. They were all happy too! What gives people!? TV, the movies, politics, society and more prominently, my own experience tells me that relationships can really suck…. Needless to say, my views have changed. I want to be happy. This doesn’t mean I’m on the wife hunt. I am now just more open to a relationship. I want to have a girl to spoil and love. I’m totally down with the companionship thing. Bring on the sucky moments world, cause if it means I get to be as happy as I saw my friends today, well it looks like it is worth it.

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Before and Afters

Well, normally I wouldn’t be all for the whole putting-half-naked-pictures-of-myself-on-the-internet thing, but I convinced myself while sitting here… late at night… that I’ve got nothing to lose (except for my reputation, self esteem and future as the president of the united states… or anything else for that matter). A few months back, a few friends and I decided to have a ‘most improved abs competition. We decided that the best way to judge said competition would be to take before and after pictures. We took some photos, which really ended up motivating me, cause my ‘before’ pictures looked gross. I was bound and determined to win this competition. I decided to get a gym membership. My buddy Nate and I purchased passes together as a pseudo-married couple (for a cheaper monthly payment). We attended religiously for a solid month and a half, maybe even 2 months. As life got busy, however, I stopped going and quit my job. I’m sure the competition ended, but never officially. This past week, I rededicated myself to gym attendance. My new goal is to have a freakin’ tight upper body by the time I head to Mexico over Christmas break. I figure posting my progress online will give me that extra little bit of motivation to get into good shape. Mom, please don’t hate me.

As you can see, I’ve lost a little baby fat and some fluff off my stomach. I also have a nicer haircut. I hope it’s all uphill from here…

By the way, please don’t steal these images and photoshop them onto any fully naked men’s bodies (or women’s bodies for that matter.) Thank you for your compliance.

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