Evidence Of My Insanity

I’m fairly positive that I have multiple personality disorder, because I heard the multiple voices yelling at me all at the same time yesterday… and they were all in my head.

Sundays are normally crappy days for my stomach. The poor guy just seems to get overlooked. The mornings normally consist of anywhere between 3 and 6 hours of church meetings. After church, I’m typically so elated to have nothing to do that I just go home, sit on my butt and enjoy the feeling of doing nothing. Unfortunately, ‘doing nothing’ includes not cooking.

Yesterday, however, my stomach got the best of me. At roughly 4:00 pm, I was snapped out of my semiconscious state by a ridiculously loud growl and pangs of hunger. All I had eaten all day was a cinnamon roll and a glass of chocolate milk, and basically, my stomach was beginning to eat the rest of my body alive.

I dragged my lethargic self off of the couch and threw some frozen ravioli into a pot of boiling water. As I stood there for 7 minutes watching plumes of steam rise from the pot of stuffed pasta. I started to salivate. I couldn’t handle it any longer. I grabbed the pot, and began to dump its contents into the strainer that I had waiting by the sink.

As I poured the scalding raviolis out of the pot, the steam began to envelop the hand that held the strainer.

“Ow!” Said the voice.

“Ow, ow, ow! OOOOOOOW!” It continued as the flesh began to blister. “You should really drop the strainer!”

At this point another voice chimed in. “Nate, it’s almost over, just pour the rest out. You can do it.”

“Ow! Ouch! Drop it dammit!” echoed the first voice.

I kept pouring.

“Almost there… al-most-there….” Said the second voice.

I could endure it no further. My hand was on fire, and I felt like the flesh was about to peel off the bones, shrivel up and combust into a plume of smoke and flames of death. I threw the strainer across the counter and jammed my hand under the cold running water from the kitchen faucet.

It wasn’t till I felt the relief of the cold water that I realized what had just happened. The only reason my hand was burned was because some idiot voice in my head told me to hang on to that freaking strainer, despite the intolerable pain. Where did this guy come from, and how did he beat out the other guy… you know, the one that was announcing the excruciating pain?

It must be the same guy who makes me curious enough to smell the rotten milk in the fridge or someone else’s fart when other people have evacuated the premises. He is very persuasive… even when I know better.

4 comments.

It’s About Everybody Else

This last week I had the pleasure of going to Velour to hear We Shot The Moon play. I love going to smaller, local concerts for many reasons. My favorite reason to see local concerts is that you never know what or who you will discover. This week was no disappointment.

The opening band for We Shot The Moon was offensively loud and musically juvenile. I don’t even remember their name. All I recall is thinking to myself, “Oh man… this is not shaping up to be a very good concert.”

After what seemed like an eternity, (to everybody’s relief) they ended their set. Things began to turn around at this point. The music played between sets was from my favorite local band, Chris Merritt.

As I danced around to Chris’ tunes, Everybody Else began setting up stage for their set. From the start, I had a good feeling about them. Everybody Else comes out of LA and consists of 3 guys: Carrick Gerety (lead vocals|guitar), Austin Williams (bass|backup vocals) and Mikey McCormack (drums|vocals|keys). They backed up their good vibes with some stellar tunes. Every single one of their songs is complimented by perfectly tuned 3-part vocals, funkalicious melodies and rhythm that will make you want to shake your hips like Elvis.

What really put these guys over the top for me, other than their incredible raw talent, was the fact that you could tell that they just loved performing. Too often I see bands perform, and to them it seems like it’s just another show. “We had one yesterday, we’ll have one tomorrow.” These guys just had a blast doing what they did best… creating music.

If you ever get the chance to see them live, DO IT! It’s worth the ticket just to see Mikey play the drums, keyboard and sing all at the same time.

Here’s a copy of one of my favorite songs from their album. (I had to buy it.):

Say Goodbye

no comments yet.

Best Fortune Cookie Ever!

I love PF Changs…

Do you even have to ask why?

3 comments.

Letters To Companies I Hate - Day 4

Dear Disney,

Throughout my entire childhood your gifted team of professional animators and producers provided me endless hours of mind numbing entertainment. It seemed like every year or two a new Disney Classic was released on the big screen to twist and deform my perceptions of life and the reality of love. I patiently awaited the day when I could court a gorgeous redhead with a seashell bra, or a beautiful, fair-skinned brunette with an obsession for short hairy men. Alas, that day never came.

Now, here I sit in my dorm room, a 24-year-old college student without a magic carpet, a band of best friends who dress up in animal skin pajamas, fight pirates and fly around with a sexy fairy, or a talking pet. I truly don’t think you understand the disappointment that I have experienced at your hand.

My disappointment is not limited, however, to a lack of fulfilled childhood dreams. The dissatisfaction I experienced only mounted as I witnessed the garbage that your sequel department released. Whoever is in charge of your sequel department should be burned in effigy, hanged, shot, burned again, kicked in the weiner, and then fed to a starving shiver of sharks.

The 40+ direct-to-video pieces of crap are nothing but a shameless ploy to extract and scam as much coin from precious 5-year-old girls who hope to become princesses and pre-pubescent 11 year old boys who hope to marry one. I mean, in The Little Mermaid II, Return to the Sea, you didn’t even stick with the original movie plot for heaven sakes! YOU DE-HUMANIZED HER! This poor half fish, half girl has undergone more species changes than Carrot Top!

I mean, you know you have reached a new low when you are exploiting a bear named Pooh.

Rather than beating a dead horse, why not just be creative again and make a new, original movie with semi-normal characters so that you can destroy an entire new generation’s belief by telling them that true love is easy, all fat girls are evil, all step-moms are evil, and that people randomly break into synchronized song and dance for no apparent reason when you walk down the street? Wait, that would require effort. And who needs effort when effortless allows you to wipe your butt with $100 bills?

Disney: “Where Dreams Come True”… and then are shamelessly obliterated by the painfully crushing blow of reality smacking you in the face.

Disney, you have ruined my life.

-Bags

2 comments.

Twilight - The Saga Begins

It’s official. I’m making it public. Yesterday I started reading Twilight. I know that upon this announcement, many of you may be questioning my sexual orientation or wondering what sort of bet I lost to be subjected to such a task, but I assure you I am straight as straight can be, and I lost no bet. Honestly, I’m just intrigued… and I’m a sucker for a good book.

This last week, my friend Kat Tingey showed me a song that she had just finished writing and recording with help from Ryan Shupe and Ryan Tilby from Ryan Shupe and the Rubber Band. The song is titled ‘Undone,’ and it is, without a doubt, one of the most beautiful songs I’ve heard in a long time. Not only is the melody absolutely chilling and incredibly moving, but the lyrics and the message of the song demonstrate the characteristics of a very experienced musician.

The song itself is inspired by the relationship between Edward and Bella, a relationship I’m not familiar with at this point… which is partly why I am now bent on reading this book. Call me a pansy, a sissy or a guy who is very secure with his masculinity, but I HAVE TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS! Plus, maybe I’ll pick up some sweet pointers on how to woo a special girl… or kill a vampire.

For the dudes out there, I’ll be sure to write a book report when I’m finished to let you know if reading this book has made me more of a man… or less of a man who gets more love from the ladies. Either one works for me.

Here’s a copy of the song that stirred my insides enough to make me read a chick book:

Undone

You can check out Kat’s Myspace page here. You can also find her music on Facebook, PureVolume, TheSixtyOne and iTunes.

4 comments.

Letters To Companies I Hate - Day 3

Dear NBA Color Commentators,

Every night you sit there around a table with your old NBA buddies all dressed up in your pastel shirts and high fashion suits and ties that make it look like one of the gays from project runway got you in his clutches before the show. Your job? You reinvent the wheel.

I am curious. Do you ever just sit and listen to the words that come out of your mouth? I’m sure that you do, and that is what is so surprising to me. I mean, honestly, how may ways can you answer the question, “What do the (your favorite team here) need to do to win it?” Let me give you a hint that might save you some air and probably your 3 remaining brain cells. To win any game, all a team needs to do is score more points than the other team! That’s it. End of story.

And this is how you make a living!

I’m amazed at how many people make their living off of speaking when they have nothing important, or even logically coherent to say. Do us all a favor. Cork it and just let us watch the game!

-Bags

4 comments.

Stupidity Is…

Stupidity is going to yoga to make your body feel better, then leaving yoga and eating a double cheesburger with fries and a Dr. Pepper.

I still feel like throwing up.

no comments yet.

Letters To Companies I Hate - Day 2

Ok, so I quickly realized that with the pressures of work, a developing romantic interest and work, writing one embittered and resentful letter per day is highly a unrealistic expectation. I will, however, do my best to keep up with the demand. Please don’t hate me if you don’t get 30 letters this month.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear FLDS (Fundamentalist Latter-Day Saints, or as I like to say, the Fake Latter-Day Saints) Church,

I can’t help but notice your ever growing popularity with the media over the recent weeks. All of this hoopla about polygamist raids and cousins marrying cousins and whatnot… it’s really starting to piss me off.

Ironically, the reasons spawning my irritation are not likely to be the same as the majority of those other critics who refer to you a mentally unsound, and grossly morally backwards institution. The fact of the matter is that I already knew you were mentally unsound and morally backwards. I knew that polygamy was still being practiced in some little sick and twisted po-dunk community out there. I also knew that one day the shit would hit the fan, someone would expose you… and that’s when the mud flinging would begin.

Well, that day is today, and now the negative publicity for your church is inevitably resulting in negative publicity for mine.

The world is disgusted by the “Fundamentalist Mormons”. I hear it over and over every day. “Fundamentalist Mormons, Fundamentalist Mormons, Fundamentalist Mormons!” Did the creators of your church eat stupid pills the day they were to decide on a name? Seriously, I can see it now… *wavy flashback effect*…

“Hey, since our church stopped allowing men to marry as many women as we want, why don’t we just leave and start our own church where we can do whatever we want?”

“You’re a genius! Let’s do it! But we’ll need a name. What should we call ourselves?”

“Hmmmm, well, we want it to sound fun so people will join… and we want it to sound smart so people will think we’re smart… HEY! How bout the Fun-da-mentalist Mormons!”

“I like it! It’s original, unique and not at all similar to any other religion we may have belonged to in the past and would never want to be associated with in the future.”

Seriously, you just don’t get more screwed up than that. We don’t want anything to do with the Blue Team anymore, so we are forming our own team! It’s called the Fundamentalist Blue Team… nobody will suspect a thing. Argh! (Grunt of frustration.)

I guess more than anything, I just hate it when someone realizes that their ship is sinking fast so they look around and pull anyone they can get their hands on down with them. Millions of wholesome, good standing Mormons the world over now have a need to defend their beliefs to the skeptic and the unfamiliar because of your inane inability to think sensibly.

Do us all a favor and get your own freaking original name and learn take responsibility for your own actions.

-Bags

A note to the rest of the world: Mormons don’t practice polygamy. Fundamentalist Mormons are not Mormons any more than Tom Cruise is one… but they are just as crazy.

2 comments.

Letters To Companies I Hate - Day 1

Dear Ventana Student Housing,

I have been living in your residential complex for over a year now. As the months have crept by, I have been continually impressed by your ability to successfully run a people oriented business without orienting your business around your people.

As a new month approaches, just like any other apartment complex, I am required to pay you rent. Ironically, your office hours overlap perfectly with mine turning the act of paying my rent into a fun combination game of hide-and-seek and tag. I always start looking for you where you least expect it… the office. I figure that since it’s such a good hiding place, and since nobody else is there at 8:00 in the morning, you might show up one day and I’ll catch you. This is never really the case though because you start work an hour after the rest of the world decides to start. After dashing my hopes in the 4 foot deep swimming pool, I abandon my Rent Pay Game until about 5:00 PM. At the sound of the whistle, I rush to my car, speed home and bolt to the office… again, the doors are locked.

People tell me that you are there from time to time, but I don’t believe it. To me, you are like some mythical creature like the Lucky the Leprechaun, Sasquatch or the Chupacabra. Have you ever tried paying rent to the Lucky the Leprechaun? Those kids can never catch him! Granted, you do have a rent drop box but it’s inside the office which is locked when your ludicrously and inconveniently planned 9:00-to-5:00-with-a-random-two-hour-lunch-business-hours are over. Is this also part of the game?

I would, however, like to thank you for providing me with the convenient option of paying my rent online… for an additional $20 fee (which is equivalent to the fee received if I pay my rent late… so why bother really?). Like all college students, I am made of money and can afford to pay an extra $240 a year for the convenience of not having to try to guess when your dependable office staff will be present to relieve me of this cumbersome $330 check that’s burning a hole in my pocket.

I guess all the craziness associated with paying rent can be overlooked because of the wonderful amenities you provide us, like a pool and a hot tub. It’s nice to have the hot tub back in commission from its winter break, now that the weather is getting hot and muggy again. There’s nothing quite like dragging my butt through a scorching hot day and then getting to reward myself by sitting in a 100 degree hot tub. Despite what other people say, I’m glad you emptied it out for the winter. I mean, who wants to sit in a hot tub when it’s cold outside? That’s almost as ridiculous as wanting to run through the sprinklers on a hot day.

I know you feel like the poor, picked-on kid from elementary school who nobody likes and everyone hates because you’re stupid and ugly. But did you ever stop to consider the ever popular phrase, ‘The customer is always right.’? I know it’s a far fetched idea, but maybe if you catered to your customers a little bit, they wouldn’t egg the University Parking Patrol cars or steal the complex master key or the flat screen TVs out of the office to get back at you.

I wish you luck in your future endeavors… and by the way, when will you be around so I can pay my rent?

6 comments.

I Need Your Help!

Ok, so for the past few weeks I’ve been driving myself nuts trying to decide on the next month’s theme for my blog. I love having something to write about every day, especially if it makes someone laugh. To help me make a decision, I’m soliciting your help! Please cast your vote so I can start writing again.