A Breath Of Fresh Air

They’ve been talking about it for months. Rumors have started, been killed, then resurrected again. We’ve had our hopes up since we caught wind of it. But finally, today, it became official. MY COMPANY IS OFFICIALLY MOVING TO A NEW (bigger) OFFICE!

When I started working for them roughly 4 months ago, there were there were close to 80 employees. To give you an idea of how fast we are growing, Just this month, the sales team alone was given permission for 80 new hires. Ridiculous.

I don’t mind the growth. Actually, it’s kind of exciting to be a part of it. The owners of the company make it a priority to maintain an upbeat and relaxed culture. Everyone I work with has a great sense of humor, and as the team grows, so does my circle of friends… literally. For the last 2 weeks, I have been sharing an office with an ever increasing number of people. The last count was 9. Not kidding… 9 people in one office. At times it feels like we’re all sitting in some form of South American public transportation, only with less butt grabbing and body odor… well, there’s at least less body odor.

As crowded and noisy as the office has been, it most definitely has not been the worst part adapting to the recent growth of the company. What’s far worse (and I mean far worse) has been sharing the 2 stall men’s bathroom with 100+ dudes. I went to go wash my hands today after lunch, and upon opening the door, it was as if I had walked into a wall of absolute putrescence. The stench was so potent that it probably surpassed Kryptonite as Superman’s greatest weakness.

I know I write about bathrooms a lot, but when you share one with over 100 guys, it really can be the most significant and memorable part of your day.

I can’t tell you how nice it will be to show up to the new office on Monday, and not have to worry about holding my breath for 8 solid minutes to prevent permanent nerve damage. Well, maybe I can tell you. It will be glorious.

1 comment.

If You’re Into BMW…

If you are into BMWs, well, this movie is for you. Before clicking, beware, this is the coolest thing ever.  And it will take you roughly 30 minutes to watch, so make sure you have time.  You won’t want to stop after you start.

Rampenfest - A Documentary

4 comments.

Under Where?

I used this picture in a post about a year ago. I think it’s one of my favorite pictures ever. What’s better is that it is appropriate to today’s post…

Have you ever put your underwear on inside out without realizing it, and then gone to work? And then, when you’re at work, you go to the bathroom and realize that your underwear is on inside out. And while you sit there, alone and vulnerable in your stall, you debate on whether or not to get naked in the public bathroom stall just to flip your undies so they are right side out. And then you decide not to flip your underwear right side out because you don’t want to take off your shoes within the confines of the 3 ft. x 3 ft. stall for fear of falling in the toilet, getting some mysterious fungal disease on your feet or stepping in a puddle of mystery piss. And then, the fact that you have your underwear is on inside out drives you absolutely nuts for the rest of the day because you are slightly OCD.

Has that ever happened to you?

Yeah, me neither.

2 comments.

I Think I’m Officially A Vegetarian

I went to the rodeo this weekend.

They set baby cows free at a full sprint into the middle of a crowd of thousands of people only to throw a rope around their neck, flip them onto their backs and immobilize them by tying their feet together.

Wow.  What fun.

The only thing that topped that was when I got to see cowboys with sequined chaps dive off their horses to grab a steer by the horns, and crank its neck in such a way that if the steer did not flip onto its back its neck would break into a million billion pieces.

After this near religious experience, I wish I could see cows confront death on a daily basis.  Maybe I should be a cowboy.  On second thought, I don’t think sequined chaps are quite my style.

2 comments.

Top 5 Movies I’m Excited To NOT See This Summer

While sitting in the theater watching the previews beforeKung Fu Panda, (which is quite possibly the best move I’ve seen all year) I realized that there are a lot of craptastic movies that I’m really excited not to see. So, without further adieu, I present to you the list of the Top 5 Movies I’m Exited to NOT See This Summer.

Beverly Hills Chihuahua

Technically, this movie doesn’t come out until September, but it made the list because the preview was so unbearably atrocious that I would rather pursue a career as an outhouse maintenance man that be forced to watch this movie. My sympathies to the movie critics who will be force (although paid) to sit through this movie in its entirety and then try to invent something positive to say about it.

Honestly, what movie starring Drew Barrymore has been worth watching since E.T.: The Extra Terrestrial? I rest my case.

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2

Ah, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants… 2. What a creative title. I hesitate to ponder upon the quality of the plot and script if the title is any representation of the creativity invested in the flick.

Ironically, I think that the plot synopsis supports my point. This movie is nothing more than a Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants Goes To College.

I’m sure it will be full of boy troubles, funny inside jokes, girl humor, eating cake and pajama parties. Basically, you could just take the first movie, dub new lines over the actors and call it quits. I’m excited for this one.

Space Chimps

Here’s IMDB’s movie plot summary:

Ham III, the grandson of the first chimp astronaut, is blasted off into space by an opportunity-seeking senator. Soon, the fun-loving chimp has to get serious about the mission at hand: Rid a far-away planet of their nefarious leader. Fortunately for Ham III, two of his simian peers are along for the ride.

Monkeys. In space. Saving worlds. Sounds likes something I’d pay $10 to make my worst enemy sit through as an alternative to waterboarding.

Madagascar: Return 2 Africa

You know how movie companies use previews to show off all of the best parts of the movie to get an audience all excited to return to see the movie in theaters when it comes out? Yeah, the new Madagascar movie… it doesn’t do that.

After seeing the preview, I have determined that Madagascar is quickly becoming the current generation of children’s own brand of The Land Before Time. The plot? A group of animals, one with a very long neck, try to find their way back home. How very original.

And this isn’t even counting in the suck-factor that Chris Rock brings. I don’t know if you knew this, but any movie with Chris Rock doing voice over automatically sucks.

So, aside from the crappy plot, the crappy trailer and the crappy cast, I predict Madagascar 2 to really do well this summer… *cough*.

Star Wars: The Clone Wars

Let’s see. It’s George Lucas’ sequel to the most disappointing prequels in the history of film. Wow, I really want to see this.

The only good thing about this movie… no actors - Especially no Haden Christensen. *Hurl!*

I think the only person they got to come back for this film (as a voice, of course) was Samuel L. Jackson. Man, that guy will do anything for a buck, won’t he. I mean, they couldn’t even get Frank Oz to come back to play Yoda. If Frank Oz isn’t Yoda, this isn’t a Star Wars film… I’m sorry.

If I had any, I mean any hope in George Lucas’ ability to provide a decent and watchable film that would not make its viewers stupider by the minute, I might consider watching this one… no, wait. No I wouldn’t.

I know that people in the movie business don’t read my blog. And even if they did, they wouldn’t listen to any of the advice that I gave them. However, if any of you ever decide to go into the biz, please, pleeeease don’t make stupid crap that nobody wants to watch just to make a buck. If you are having troubles deciding if a movie is stupid or not feel free to ask me or a group of 8th grade middle school students. We always know what’s cool and what will suck.

5 comments.

Because I Need A Laugh

Nothing beats a pelvic thrust by Vader himself.

3 comments.

Me And My Big Mouth er… Blog

I just got back from lunch. This is how I found my workspace:

I obviously should not announce triumphant victory over my boss in a prank war on the interweb. *SIGH* Serves me right.

7 comments.

Office Pranks

So, my boss and I have an ongoing prank battle that began during my first week of employment.  I was warned on day 1 that it was crucial that I lock my computer whenever I needed to spend any prolonged amount of time away from it.  If I didn’t, the result would be a fresh background featuring some sort of freakish picture that was randomly looked up on Google Images.

Needless to say, the habit was formed quickly.

Soon, I became a pro at detecting vulnerable prank prey.  I quickly earned the self dubbed title of ‘Background Bandit.’  Anytime I’d find a coworker’s computer unattended and unlocked, I took full advantage.

Well, last week I had the wonderful opportunity to change my boss’ background not once, but twice in one day.  I’m fairly certain that this was the last straw for what was probably a fairly stressful day.  When I arrived back at my desk from lunch, I found everything (and I mean everything) unplugged from my PC.  My mouse, my monitor, my keyboard… all unplugged.  My headphones had been moved from the headphone jack to the mic jack.  On top of that, roughly 30 minutes later, I learned the hard way that he had also turned up the volume on the ringer of my phone so loudly that it literally shook the foundation of our office building and made me promptly soil myself.

Rather than take this act as a harmless and friendly attempt at revenge, I declared war.

On Friday, after a team meeting, I stealthily secreted Jon’s cell phone into my pocket.  I sped over to my desk, plopped down in my chair and hunched over the phone to hide it from view as I put my plan into action.  For the next 30 (very intense) seconds, I changed my phone number and the phone number of one of his best friends (a girl, who ironically also works in the very same office).  This meant that when Jon selected her name to call in his phone, he would, in all reality be calling me (and vice versa).  I ditched his phone back on his desk when he was away, and after cluing this girl in on my little prank, I took off for the weekend with a smile on my face.

It wasn’t until Saturday morning that the joke took effect.  Jon was locked out of his house and needed his spare key.  Who did he call for help? Why his best friend of course.  Surprisingly, instead of hearing her familiar voice on the other line, he got my voicemail (I was just finishing up a 5K and didn’t have my phone on me).  He shook his head in disbelief and hung up.  Had he called the wrong number?

He called again.

“Hello?” I answered.

“I hate you.”

“Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!”

*click*

Priceless.

Bags -1    Jon - Pwned

4 comments.

Twilight Book Report

Shizam! I finished Twilight! Granted, I finished it a few weeks ago, but until now I haven’t had the time or means to write my book report.

If you are a man, it is likely that you are deeply intrigued by this phenomenon that has been sweeping away the hearts of women the world over. Obviously, none of you are intrigued enough to actually read it, but just ponder the question, “What is in this book that gets my girlfriend/sister/mother/cleaning lady so riled up?” Luckily for you my curiosity got the best of me, and after reading it I can let you in on the secret.

It took me about a week to read Twilight. During this week, I had the same conversation… I don’t know… maybe 9 million times with every single girl who learned that I was daring enough to attempt the read. It went a little something like this:

“Wait, you’re reading Twilight?”

“Um, yeah.”

“No way. Are you serious?”

“Um, yeah.”

“Oh my gosh! That is sooo cool! Isn’t it, like, the best book ever?!”

“I haven’t finished it yet. But it’s ok so far.”

At this point, every girl (and I mean every girl) would proceed to saunter their way through a lengthy depiction of the one and only Edward (the vampire and romantic interest of the novel). By this point I was welcome to walk away mid-conversation, because whether I stayed or not, the girls would quickly become completely oblivious to my existence. They’d get all caught up in imagining their bloodthirsty yet sensitive Adonis of the walking dead showing up in their bedrooms in the middle of the night to sweep them off their feet and then carry them into the woods so he could blow tenderly upon their necks. It became very apparent during this week that I cannot compare to a 6 foot tall, stone-jawed 200-year-old vampire who looks 17, sparkles in the sun and has a breath that smells more delicious than a vat of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies slathered in liquid pheromones.

I swear, the way Stephenie Meyer describes (perpetually and without shame) Edwards breath made me terrified to even get near another man’s oral cavity for fear of being turned gay. Nobody’s’ breath can be that enticing and arousing… especially not someone who’s food pyramid is founded upon the ingestion of fresh blood.

Anyway, back to the book.

Twilight was the first book I had ever read where the main character was a teenage girl. Let me tell you, men, this book is worth the read just to get a look into a woman’s mind. Honestly, if Meyer’s depiction of the female psyche is even remotely accurate, women are far more insane than I had ever imagined. ‘Hormonal’ doesn’t even begin to describe it. ‘Crazy’ is just the tip of the iceberg. Bella (the 17-year-old girl, and main character of the book) is completely hopped up on the goof-balls.

The first 480 pages of the 500 page book deal with the Bella’s inner struggle to decipher whether or not Edward likes her ‘for reals’ or not. The turn of every page left me on pins and needles. “Will he ask her to the dance or won’t he? When will she introduce him to her father? Are they ever going to become an official couple or does Edward just have commitment issues? OMG! I have to know!”

The book ends when an evil vampire, who cannot control his craving for Bella’s blood, tricks her into leaving the protection of Edward’s family. He lures her into a dance studio so that he can bore her with an evil villain monologue for a bit, beat the crap out of her and leave just enough time for Edward and Company to show up and save the day.

All of this action happens in roughly the last 20 pages.

If this book had been 3 pages longer, I think my Y chromosome would have mutated and grown a stumpy leg, resulting in the shriveling of my man parts and excess production of estrogen.

All in all, Meyer is a decent story teller, but not the greatest writer. She has a very original tale, whose appeal is definitely to the average hormone crazed teenage girl looking for the perfect (non-existent) man to come and sweep her off her feet.

My only advice to you girls who are so utterly obsessed with my good friend Edward: Good luck finding your dream boy, cause guess what?! THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS VAMPIRES (or perfect men)!

And you call us shallow… hah!

12 comments.

Father’s Day

It’s Sunday today. That means I get to wake up early, go to 5 hours of meetings, take a nap and have a great Sunday dinner with my family. What makes this Sunday a little different, though, is the fact that it’s Father’s Day.

When I was growing up, my Dad and I didn’t have the greatest relationship. We didn’t see eye to eye on a lot of things, (ie: curfew, how I treat my siblings, doing chores, etc.) and the more I think about it the more amazing it is to me that the man still has hair after all crap I put him through. Despite my emphatic and blatant disobedience as a kid, and a teenager, and sometimes now as an adult, my Father has always been there for me and for my family.

I have learned many important life lessons from my Father. I learned the value and importance of hard and honest work. I was taught to stay out of debt, and “Never buy anything you can’t pay for in cash now.” I learned to put God first and the rest will fall into place. I learned how to treat my future wife (my Dad ALWAYS treats my mom with respect and love). Some of the most important lessons I could ever have learned, I learned from him.

This week I was talking to my mom as I was pulling out of the parking lot after a 10-hour day at work. I was telling her how I had to stay late because I was having a hard time trusting the people I work with to contact my clients regarding changes to their accounts. She just started laughing. “You are becoming so much like your father! This is so hilarious.” He is always working late nights and early mornings to make sure that everybody does their work the right way, and I’ve seen him many times on airplanes and family vacations, with a stack of proposals slathered where corrections need to be after his proofreading.

When I first heard those words pass my mothers lips a shock wave overcame me. “Oh NO!” I thought, “It can’t be! I can’t become like my father!” Then, after a few minutes, I realized that being like my Dad isn’t as bad as I thought. He is, after all, one of my heroes. To be honest, although my Mom’s comment was meant as a joke in passing, I am proud to accept it as a compliment.

I am reading a book right now by Heather Armstrong called “Things I Learned About My Dad (In Therapy).” It’s all about the ups, downs and lessons of fatherhood. I’m starting to have that realization that I never had it as bad as I thought I did when I was a kid. I’m proud to say that, in a world full of crappy parents, I’m happy and consider myself lucky to have one of the best.

Thanks Dad for helping make me into who I am today. I love you.

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