My Next Conquest…

After naming a room after Stephen Colbert, my next conquest will be to create one of these… will you help me?


University Lipdub (HS Furtwangen) from DASKAjA on Vimeo.


Lip Dub - Flagpole Sitta by Harvey Danger from amandalynferri on Vimeo.

Read about the requirements here.

6 comments.

$100 - I Smell Freedom!

Well, my friends, I have officially hit the first $100 mark for the infamous fund raiser for the Colbert Room of Light, Knowledge and Truthiness.

I have decided that I am willing to subject myself to various reader-suggested dares that will result in public ridicule if certain monetary goals are reached. I would obviously post the results of these humiliating experiences on the internets for all to see.

If you have any ideas for outrageous challenges*, along with associated dollar total benchmarks, please leave them in the comments.

Also, if you happen to have $5 laying around, please donate to the cause.

*Nothing illegal… and don’t worry mom, I’m not going to give up my virginity.

2 comments.

How To Get The Most From Your Disney Experience

I’m back from my one week family vacation!

The majority of our trip was spent in what many people call “The Happiest Place On Earth.” I assume that all of the people who use this term are 7 years old, want to be princesses, and aren’t at all weirded out that life size, mute cartoon characters roam the streets unsupervised.

Mimes have always seemed creepy to me… genderless mimes in giant fuzzy animal costumes is crossing the line in my boat.

Aside from the freaky life sized Disney plush dolls at the turn of every corner, I really did have a good time, and I learned a lot. To prove how wonderfully beneficial this trip was for me, I have composed a list of things I’ve learned from this last trip at Disneyland.

• Finding Nemo is overrated. Plus, he’s not really lost… the people that rode the ride before you already found him.
• Girls pretend not to fart. Sharing a room with your sister will teach you that once girls are asleep, the ‘no farting’ rule becomes null and void, and they can no longer be held accountable for their bodily functions.
• The best place to sit on Splash Mountain is in the fetal position behind the largest person on the watercraft.
• At Disneyland, if you don’t speak English, the park rules don’t pertain to you… neither does common courtesy.
• If you want to be ushered to the front of all the lines, it’s worth it to find the nearest crippled homeless beggar on the way to the park, and offer them a free ticket to be your grandpa or grandma for the day. It’s worth the extra $70 to watch the faces of the 300 people who’ve been waiting in line for 3 hours in 100 degree heat for the new Toy Story Mania ride as you stroll past them to the front without hesitation.

  It’s even better to see their faces when you get off the ride, and walk to the front again.

• They’ve moved all of the Disney Princesses to one convenient location for your convenience. There is an entire facility with organized lines and scheduled activities allowing you to spend time with and take pictures of all the princesses in an orderly not-mob like fashion. Despite what you may think, they will not move you to the front of the line or give you any other special treatment, even if you’re 22, male, single and potentially a prince.

Thank you Walt, for building a place where a 20-something’s dreams come true every day.

P.S. I’m never eating Korean food again. It gave me the hot farts.

5 comments.

What Are You Doing In My Pants?

I went home today to visit my family and, more importantly, to see my little brother open his mission call. (He will be spending the next 2 years in Tampa, Florida. Congrats Joshy-pants! Have fun teaching the Tampahns.)

As we I was waiting for everyone to arrive, I sat down in the kitchen and took advantage of the free food… what poor, starving college student wouldn’t?

As I sat at the kitchen counter eating my dinner, my 80-year-old grandma (the same one that got the phone number for me last week) sneaked up behind me and stuck her finger down the rear of my pants.

Naturally, I flipped out.  I was most definitely not expecting a finger in my butt crack.  As I flailed my arms in surprise, my elbow clipped Grandma in the shoulder nearly knocking her over.

“Wow.  A little jumpy, are we?”

“Well, to be honest grandma, I really wasn’t expecting your finger to get shoved into my butt crack any time today.”

She just laughed and said, “You’re such a funny boy.”

Gee, I wonder where I get it from.

*Eye Roll*

4 comments.

The Colbert Legacy Begins

My fellow Americans. The time has come to unite under one banner. Let us stand together in one cause, with the determination to make a lasting difference!

The UVU Library’s Stephen Colbert Room Fundraiser has officially been established. You can contribute by clicking here, or by using the MyChipIn app on Facebook.

Every little bit counts, so donate… then tell your friends to donate! Add the MyChipIn Facebook App to your profile. Blog about it… Talk about it… Let’s make America Stephen T. Colbert a part of Utah’s newest university.

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“Bonjour, SUCKERS!”

The taste of victory is ever so sweet… especially when it’s a victory over the smack talkin’ French.

Michael Phelps is well on his way to becoming the most decorated Olympian of all time.

This is why I love my country!

“Freedom Fries!”

2 comments.

The Stephen Colbert Room Of Light, Knowledge and Freedom

Dear internet,

Today, I must have been struck by a bolt of lightening or touched by deity. I have had the idea of a lifetime.

This summer, the state college I’ve been attending for the last few years was awarded the status of ‘university.’  Campus has been all aflutter with the excitement and anticipation. What lay in store for us now that Utah Valley State College was invited to sit at the cool lunch table with the other big time universities?  Would we get invited to play in an NCAA conference?  Would we finally get a football team?  Would we start growing hair in strange places?

Even the campus itself has begun to see changes.  New statues and banners grace the halls and walkways and the blue and red rival college shirts worn by students have been exchanged for those of the newly titled Utah Valley University (UVU).

Perhaps the most noticeable change on campus is the new library whose construction was completed only a few weeks ago after over a year of labor and toil. The thing is huge.  It’s 5 stories full of… well.. mostly emptiness because the old library didn’t hold many books.  But now they’re trying to fill the new one with books, and that’s good - especially for our rain forests.  It is in this very library that ‘the idea’ came to me.

One of the cool features of the new library are the study rooms on each floor.  The vast majority of these rooms sport signs next to each door stating that the room ‘has not yet been named yet,’ followed by a name and phone number to contact for naming details.  My buddies and I began to joke about how cool it would be to name a room.  So, I called the number.

As I was suspecting, naming a room requires the ‘donation’ of vast sums of money. (Vast sums = anywhere from $5,000 for a small room to $1,000,000 for a large room.)  The more we thought about it, however, the less money became a deterrent… especially when ‘the idea’ shot forth out of my mouth like the glorious geyser, Old Faithful, shoots out of the crust of the earth.

“Why don’t we name the room after America Stephen Colbert?” I asked.

The question was met with triumphant shouts of approval.

And so, my new life’s quest has been laid out.  As of today, I am taking donations to raise enough money to pay UVU to name a room in their new library after America Stephen Colbert!

Obviously the ultimate goal is to raise a solid $1,000,000… however, I am satisfied with $5,000.  I will be activating an account on donation website soon.  Keep your eyes open for more posts to come.  Please leave any supportive suggestions, comments or ideas in the comments section of this post.

Together we can do this for our children and our children’s children.  Together we can do this for America Stephen Colbert.
Stumble It!

3 comments.

Single. For A Limited Time Only!

Here’s a text message I received from my little brother while on my lunch break today.

We are with grandma and she is just beaming.  She got a phone number for you from a nurse where she does her physical therapy*.  Could be good blog material.

(Thanks Josh for knowing what good blog material is.)

Watch out ladies. My grandma found out I’m single, and she’s on the prowl!

Just as a side note, this is not the first time this has happened.  I think grandma wants more great-grandbabies before she reaches the end of her rope.

*Grandma is getting over a recent stroke… or two.

6 comments.

How I Lost My Testimony

This is the funniest thing I’ve seen on the blog-o-sphere in a very long time.

(click to view larger)

2 comments.

A Dude With Everything I Though I Wanted

If there are two carnal things (excluding female companionship and food) that I’ve always wanted, it’s muscles and to know how to dance.  Today, (don’t ask me how) I stumbled upon a video that made me change my mind.  No longer do I want the muscles and the dancing skills… mostly because I never want to wear a man thong like that.  Bleh!

Ironically, there’s more than one of these break dancing bodybuilders. Yuck.

5 comments.