Terrified

The tired eyes of a crazy Bags

The tired eyes of a half-crazy, half-terrified Bags...

I realized tonight exactly what I’m supposed to be doing with my life.

I’ve known it for a while now, but I guess I’ve never really sat down and stared the truth in the face. I’ve never taken the time to verbalize my passion and the fear that rides its coattails.

I intimately know the thing gets me fired up. I know what sets my heart ablaze. I know it because I’ve been thinking about it non-stop for almost 2 years. The funny thing? I’m absolutely terrified to follow through with it…

I’m petrified that if I actually create this thing that I’ve been stewing over and fantasizing about all this time, I won’t do it justice. I’m scared that people won’t see value in something I believe so wholly in. I’m tremble at the notion that this thing I hold so close to my heart won’t resonate with people the way it resonates with me.

I’m shaking in my boots… but I know if I don’t follow through, I’ll be a big, fat, walking disappointment to myself.

Tonight, I feel alive, and possibly more mortified than I’ve felt in my entire life. The only solution is to walk straight into the pitch blackness of  anticipation, excitement, raw anxiety and dread with the hope that there is solid ground that can only manifest itself if I plunge head-first into the nightmare.

So, this is what it feels like to be alive…


Thanks to my new friend Michelle for pushing me through a tough discussion, and being willing to listen. And thanks to Amber for always always always being the crazy voice that pushes me to be one of the crazy ones.

The Courage to Be Happy

We are surrounded by countless counterfeits for happiness.

Every day I watch miserable people attempt to deceive themselves into believing they’re happy, and that their current, empty, passionless lives are exactly what they really wanted all along.

They try to convince themselves that they are just lucky to have a job instead of admitting to themselves that they’re too scared to quit and pursue their dreams.

Students try to talk themselves into believing that a college degree will get them farther in life. They pray that further down the road they’ll love their major, or that after they graduate, when they can put stuff into practice in the “real world” it will all have been worth it.

People lie themselves into a fake belief that their ‘meh’ relationship is good enough. Fairy tale relationships just aren’t for everyone. Plus, they’ve found someone who can tolerate them… what’s to say they’re good enough to find someone new if the mediocre situation in which they’re being held captive came to an end?

And there they sit. Miserable.

Living in misery is so easy… but so is living happily.

The trick to the latter is having the guts to make happiness a priority.

As a culture, we have a tendency to view goals, achievements, and milestones in our lives as magical keys that will allow us to unlock the secret portal to happiness.

We have been conditioned to believe that:

  • A full time job with benefits will make you happy.
  • Getting a college degree will make you happy.
  • A new girlfriend or boyfriend (or a husband/wife) will make you happy.

This is a load of crap. These checklist items do not guarantee happiness.

Happiness starts with desire. You must listen to your heart and take note of what resonates with you… That resonance – the burning, passionate feeling you get when you do something you love – that’s happiness.

Don’t, however, confuse happiness with temporary pleasure.

Often times feeling good now at the expense of feeling better later is misinterpreted as happiness. Happiness is not self-indulgence. Happiness is where self-awareness meets self-actualization.

If you need help deciding whether something will provide momentary happiness vs. lasting happiness, follow this simple test:
It doesn’t take much courage to experience pleasure. Temporary pleasure often leads to addiction, depression, and shame. When you look back on moments of temporary pleasure, you will often feel regret and remorse. If you have experienced moments like this… don’t repeat them.

Happiness, on the other hand, will provide a positive sentiment no matter how many times you look back on them. Happiness requires trust (in yourself and often in others), and work, and chance, and the risk of failing. Happiness requires courage.

Don’t fall prey to the constant bombardment of shortcuts, cheat codes, and secret recipes. Have the courage to say no to mediocrity, complacence, and the bland. Have the courage to take ownership of your life and your decisions.

Have the courage to be happy.

More to come on courage… if you like what you read, please subscribe, and leave your thoughts in the comments below!

Keeping Austin Weird

I finally pulled the trigger, and now here I am, sitting in an apartment in the mountains 10 minutes north of Austin… the city that represents the perfect combination of music, food, dancing, tech, mountains, warmth, youth, and Ron Paul.

If this city wasn’t meant for me, I don’t know where else I belong.

It took a lot of lesson-learning to get here. I learned that you can’t wait on others to make the most of your own life, sometimes you just have to go it alone. Going it alone isn’t bad, as long as you enjoy the company you’re in.

I learned that stuff is just that. Stuff. Moving from Utah to Orlando a year ago took over a week, and well over $2,000. Moving from Orlando to Texas took less than 2 days, and costed the price of 4 tanks of gas (roughly 1/10 of the UT -> FL move). The difference was that I was willing last week to let go of things.

I got rid of objects that I once called “memories.” I got rid of my favorite blue Lay-Z-Boy recliner. It was given to me by my grandparents. I’ve finished more books there than just about anywhere else… but in the end, it’s just a chair.

I got rid of a garbage bag full of ties. Every tie had a story… and sometimes a name. Some of the ties I obtained from the other side of the world from people who sometimes seem like a distant memory, but who shaped my life in a way most people can’t imagine. The people still exist in my heart. I don’t need a strip of fabric to remind myself of the love I have for them.

I got rid of appliances, dishes, stacks of old school binders. Some of the things I dumped I’ve been holding on to for over a decade. In the past when I’ve “started fresh” I’ve been lying. I’ve been lugging my past relationships and memories around with me in the form of stuff. Letting go of that has helped to give me a new lease on life. I have a truly fresh start, a smaller wardrobe, a mobile lifestyle, and a smile.

If you want to make a change in your life, start getting rid of things you don’t need. It will take very little time for you to realize what’s really important in  your life and maybe reveal to you that your focus has been off more than you ever realized.

P.S. This weekend I get to see one of my heros in person for the first time ever, and I can’t be more excited. This post isn’t supposed to be political, but hooray Ron Paul!