Alright internet. I think I’m starting to understand that subconsciously I love living with stress.  When there is nothing to stress about, I invent something.

Lately I’ve been pursuing a girl. She’s a lot like me, and I love it.  She has spunk and a great sense of humor, along with a great mind, tender heart and a gorgeous smile.  Things have recently evolved into a relationship (thank you, Lord).  I count myself lucky to have her, but for the life of me, I can’t get rid of the paranoia.

I mean, in the beginnings of a relationship (the courting process) you want to put your best foot forward.  As guys, we attempt to be chivalrous, respectful and kind.  I’m lucky in that these things come naturally to me most of the time, because of the way I was raised… but there’s always an underlying doubt.  It’s that ominous feeling that despite being interested in the the other person, something could easily go wrong; or that there is something about you that will absolutely clash with the other person.

That feeling is alleviated when you reach that point where you decide to date exclusively. Or at least it should be alleviated.  I mean, that decision entails that you’ve both decided to abandon the cliche dating games that we insist on participating in enough to make some form of commitment to each other.  I for one am incredibly grateful for a change of pace. But it seems like instead of losing the dating anxiety, I am just finding new things to stress about.

Don’t get me wrong. 95% of the time, things are fantastic and wonderful. I’m just so mystified by it all that I just can’t help but think it’s a dream.  It’s been a long time since I had someone really like me for who I am. Literally, sometimes I wake up and wonder if it’s for real.  And then I start to think that if it seems to good to be true… maybe it is.  On the one hand, this thought process makes me want to try to become the kind of person that deserves someone like her. On the other hand (the left, and much less frequently used hand), it worries the hell out of me that one day she’ll open her eyes and think, “Couldn’t I do better?”

Inadequacy is one of my deepest and darkest fears. Being in a relationship only gives me a new perspective on it.

I guess all I can do is my best, and hope that I can keep making her smile. That’s one of those things I’m good at.