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Posted:
July 13, 2009
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18

The Perfect Catch: 5 Important Steps Women Must Take to Catch the Perfect Man

popped collarThe following is guest post outlying specific step-by-step instructions women must take to catch the eye of the perfect man.

Written by J. Davis.

Step 1) Be noticed. A guy won’t give you a second look if you don’t look like Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany’s.  Men are like fish.  Two things grab their attention: food and pretty shiny things.

  • Don’t eat.  Eating makes you fat and men get turned off when a woman is over 100 lbs.
  • Wear lots of makeup.  Your natural beauty just doesn’t cut it.  Cover it up with enough blush, eye-liner, lipstick, and mascara that he won’t be able to recognize you after a dip in the pool.
  • Speaking of pools.  Spend as much time there as possible in the smallest bikini you can find.  If you’ve got it flaunt it.  If you don’t, go to the pool until you develop a complex motivating enough for you to take step ‘bullet point 1’ seriously.  Also, the pool is the perfect place to meet good, wholesome guys who will respect you for you and not for your body.
  • Tan Tan Tan…guys like girls who look like oompa-loompas.  The pool is not just a place to meet guys.  The sun and the tanning beds are your friends.  You should spend more time with them than be at places like school, church, or the library.  Besides, the guys at church are boring and the ones at the library are creepers.  Stay away!!!
  • Appropriate apparel.  Don’t be a prude.  Girls who cover their bodies don’t get as much attention as girls who share their gift with others.  Besides, you don’t want to appear self-righteous.  Short skirts, tight and revealing shirts or anything that provokes a man’s desire to be WITH you or a woman’s desire to BE YOU is appropriate apparel.

Step 2) First impressions are VITAL.  Men, like fish, are easily spooked.

  • Act brainless.  Men get discouraged when a woman has a brain that she uses intelligently.  Don’t push him away with your talk of the economy, religion, philosophy or your future ambitions.  Just smile a lot, giggle, and flirt uncontrollably.  If this bait doesn’t work, use the following backup plans:
  • Damsel in distress.  Men like to be the heroes.  Appear weak and frail.  Create opportunities for men to come to your rescue.
  • Be original.  Say things like, “I’m not like other girls.  My only friends are guys.”  Those are the words men love hearing.  They usually imply you are a very loveable person.
  • Appear innocent.  No guy wants to date the girl with a past.  Configure your body like it’s a show but be angry at guys who gawk or whistle at your performance.  After all, the low-cut tank top was on sale, your mother bought it for you and it’s the only thing that fits.  You shouldn’t be judged for that.
  • Shun commitment.  Phrases like, “I’m not looking for anything serious right now”, or “I just got out of a serious relationship and I’m not looking to settle down quite yet”, are the words men are hoping to hear from a woman.

Step 3) The together part.  You’ve caught him.  Now what?

  • Be passive.  Wait for him to do everything.  Men don’t like proactive women.  Sit around your apartment or at the pool.  Read your magazines and fantasy vampire novels.  Watch reality television.  Spend at least five hours on facebook daily.  Men love to know where their women are at all times and they love knowing that their women are learning the newest and most effective weight loss strategies.
  • Act out.  When things don’t go your way, cry.  It worked when you were little and it will certainly work now.
  • Be emotional.  Nothing says living life to the fullest like getting a haircut, crying because it’s too short, taking it out on your boyfriend and blaming it on your period.  You two will savor the good moments more and you will come out stronger because of this.
  • Create drama.  Keep it spicy and make him appreciate you.  Text other guys in front of him.  Hang out with x-boyfriends.  If he can’t trust you to be around other men then he’s not worth keeping around.
  • Don’t communicate.  Talking is for couples who aren’t good at kissing.  Besides, if there’s an issue that needs to be resolved just wait till it’s forgotten.  It’s so much easier to ignore an issue like him watching the game too loud, not cleaning his dirty dishes, or having him explain the lipstick stain on his shirt.
  • Manipulation.  It’s another gift women are naturally endowed with.  Don’t bury it.  Use it to your advantage.  Test his love by asking him if you look fat in a smaller sized outfit.  If he says yes, dump him.  If he says no, call him a liar and then dump him.

Step 4) The break up.  You’ve caught your fish.  The game is over.  Throw him back.

  • Pre-emptive break up.  If you hear a rumor that he’s going to break up with you or you suspect he will soon, beat him to it.  You don’t want to be that person who when asked who broke up with who, you respond that it was “mutual.”  Everyone knows that the person who says it was mutual is the one who got dumped.  People don’t respect the loser in the relationship.  Be a winner, always.
  • “Friends” During your break up, dull the pain by claiming you still want to be friends.  Whether your intentions are sincere matters little.  You’ll both cling on to hope, go through the standard six or seven break ups till finally you can’t stand to be around each other anymore.
  • Don’t burn your bridges.  You may get lonely or want a shoulder to cry on later down the road.  Or you may want to use him to make a future boyfriend jealous.
  • There are plenty of fish in the sea.  Don’t waste your time on this one.  There are always going to be bigger, prettier fish downstream that are wealthier, drive nicer cars and treat their mothers’ right.

Step 5) Repeat step one.

Posted:
July 10, 2009
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11

Blind Dates And Why Most Girls Suck At Them

Blind Dates are Awkward

Blind Dates are Awkward

Often times when coming out of a relationship it’s can be a little difficult to get your awesome dating skills back up to snuff.  It is not uncommon for friends, family, religious leaders, roommates and many times complete strangers to pick up on your hopelessness and offer to set you up on a blind date with “the nicest girl” with the promise that  “you’re going to get along and have so much fun together” because “she’s so sweet and nice!”

BEWARE! Unless you would trust the person setting you up with the safety of your unborn children, or they have several full body photos for you to evaluate, you could be stepping into a very dangerous, very expensive trap. (Right now, 80% of the girls who are reading this are huffing and puffing and thinking I’m the most shallow man to walk the face of the earth. I don’t care. This needs to be said on behalf of single men everywhere.)

Ladies, let’s be honest. You can’t deny that the words “sweet” and “nice” are the words you use to describe your closest of friends* who never, ever seem to get asked out by anyone but the creepy guys… ever.  We know what you’re trying to do. You’re trying to smuggle a pity date for your friend right past our instinctive Bad Date Warning System and into our day planner.  And don’t try to cover up that fact by telling us, “She’s really, um… cute,” when we ask if she’s attractive.  We see right through your facade.

As my good friend Missie said, “When friends set you up on blind dates, you get to see what they really think of you.” Now, before you start hating on me for being a shallow chauvinist who only dates girls for their looks, and hates your friends, stop. Rewind. Now rethink things a little bit.  Why do you really want to set me up with your friend? Is it because you think we’re a good match? Is it because you think we might really be attracted to each other? Or is it just to make your friend feel better by going out with a “nice guy” (which is probably how you described me to her when you came up with this brilliant little blind date idea)?

There is one simple test that I have proven to be effective when attempting to determine whether or not a setup is legitimate.  If the person lining you up is willing to pay for the date on the condition that if the date is successful (you want to take her out again), you will reimburse them, go for it.  This demonstrates sincerity and confidence in the liner-upper, and significantly low risk for those being set up. And that’s a win-win situation if you ask me. If I turn you down after you reject the above proposition for a blind date, don’t be mad. I’m not personally attacking your friend… I promise. I’m merely protecting my own self-interests.

* I wanted to put a disclaimer at the end of this post to make sure that you know that not all blind dates are bad, and not all nice girls are ugly.  I’ve had fun blind dates, and I’ve had not-so-fun blind dates with girls that were perfectly normal… they just lacked  chemistry. So, please don’t take offense and assume that every blind date is a pity date. I know they’re not. (But sometimes they are… and when they are, that’s bad.)

Posted:
January 21, 2009
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12

Facebook Stalked

creepygirlHave you ever been sexually accosted on the internet? I have. And it was Awkward with a capital ‘A’.

A week or so ago, some girl requested my Facebook friendship (as the girls are wont to do).  I accepted her humble request, because I never turn down a new member of the Big Bags Entourage.  I did, however, leave her a nice note informing her that I didn’t think that I had met her previously.  I continued, letting her know that until she could prove that we had in fact met, that I would not speak with her for my mother taught me not to talk to strangers.

Not two days later, the socially backward psychopath on the other end of the intertubes struck up a conversation with me. (I refuse to refer to this person as a ‘she’ because I would really prefer that it were some sort of sick dude than a sick chica.)  Said humanoid began the conversation saying that she only added me, “because I thought you were hott.”

Red flag.

Anyone who spells ‘hot’ with two ‘T’s’ is not for me. Period. End of story.

Even though ‘she’ was stupid, I was flattered.  I mean, come on, even if it was a dude, at least I could assume they thought I was sexy. And who doesn’t like to be sexy?

As we continued our conversation, I began to grow uneasy.  This ‘girl’ was most definitely not wasting any time on frivolities.  ‘She’ wanted to get right down to business… and before I knew it, I felt dirty.

I was obliged to immediately delete ‘her’ from my entourage, and begin warning my friends.  One friend of mine, a girl, said something that amused me after my relating of the above story.  She said, “Oh. I thought that stuff could only happen to a girl.”

Well, surprize! I guess the joke is on me.  They say it takes a real man to admit he’s been sexually harassed… and that real man is me. And I’m fairly certain I’m the alone in my awkwardness at this point.

On a brighter note, here’s a song that’s semi-about this experience… written by my good friend Chad. Ok, maybe it’s not about this experience, but it’s about girls on Facebook, and that’s almost the same.  Kind of like mad cows (disgruntled bovine) and mad cow disease (the fatal illness) are the same. Enjoy.

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