Why I Love BYU

There are so many reasons to love Brigham Young University. For starters there’s… well… um. Well they have the… hmmmm… I take it back. I can’t think of ANY reasons to love BYU at the moment. This may partially be due to the fact that I’m not particularly happy with them today. Want to hear the story? I’m sure you do.

So, I have been growing out my sexy beard again for the past few days because, well, facial hair is freakin’ sexy. Tonight, after spending the day with family and friends watching General Conference, I headed to BYU campus to perform with my swing dance team for the last time.

I showed up to the dance with just a few minutes to spare. As usual, there was the table full of three ticket-taker BYU girls dressed in blue shirts sitting at the door. Their job is to take your money and stamp your hand… also, apparently they are required to ruin at least one person’s night per weekend.

I approached the little table and pointed out my name on the guest list. It was on ‘the list’ because I was performing that evening. As I started to enter the dance, one of the girls (the particularly bitter one) stopped me to give me the news that I couldn’t enter the dance until I shaved. I informed her that I was not, in fact, a BYU student, so her rules didn’t apply to me.

She replied, “It’s a BYU event, so you have to shave if you want to participate.”

“They’ve never made me shave before, and I’ve been coming here for a year now.”

“Well, then the other people haven’t been doing their job then.” She replied snootily.

She then reached under her ‘I-Hate-Men Table of Power’ and handed me a single blade, plastic BIC razor with a bottle of crappy shaving cream. She might as well have handed me a piece of broken glass and a quart of motor oil. It probably would have done a better job.

“Oh no… I’m not shaving with that,” I said. “That’s suicide.”

“Well then you can’t come in.”

“You give me 3 of those razors. One of them will only make it through my sideburns.”

She pulled another two out of the bag. Since the performance time was drawing near, and I can only assume that my team was wondering where I was, I took the razors and headed to the nearest bathroom. Needless to say, I was pissed at this point.

After a painful 15 minutes or so of torture, I had sufficiently removed the necessary facial hair. As a result, my chin, jaw line and neck were a bloody mess. It looked like I had been attacked by a rabid badger who only eats juicy neck meat.

I made it back to the table full of embittered, unmarried BYU women seeking justice on any man who dared to get within a 30 foot radius of their table. One glance at my bloodied face and they burst into laughter. One girl even choked out an attempt at empathy.

“Awwww…” she sighed, with puppy dog eyes.

“Oh don’t EVEN pretend like you pity me. Here’s your freakin’ shaving cream.”

I slammed it on the table and walked away.

I don’t think BYU can expect me to be attending any of their events any time soon. I have never wanted to break my personal mantra of never hitting a girl so badly in my entire life. Nothing would have given me more happiness tonight than to see that girl dangling from a flagpole by her granny-panties.

Nothing is worse than a cold-hearted, prudish BYU coed who doesn’t appreciate a nicely groomed face of scruff.

10 comments.

Mustache of the Day - Day 19

I realize that in the last month, I have barely scratched the surface of the world of mustaches. There are SO many noteworthy mustaches that deserve praise and attention, many of which have been overlooked or just plain old excluded. The final Mustache of the Day from Mustache March Madness comes from one of the legendary “ladies men” of our time. His mustache has graced movie screens and cable TV channels across the world, and has probably even set many world records.

Although his mustache is more American than America itself, and stands as a standard for everything good and holy, it is not the reason why he was chosen as the ultimate, and final Mustache of the Day. What really sold me on Reynolds was the picture that I found of his mustache… the picture that made me nearly pass out from shock and laughter after viewing it in all its majesty. The very picture that you can find by clicking this link. Warning! This picture is not for those with weak bladders, or fear of bodily hair… also, it’s probably not work appropriate. Just as a teaser, the picture features Burt Reynolds and his FULL BODY MUSTACHE!

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term “Full Body Mustache,” it relates to the man who is hairy enough to connect his facial hair to other hair parts on his body. For example, a man may grow a thick beard with sideburns. His sideburns connect to his full head of hair. His normal head of hair then grows down low onto the neck and shoulders which flows gracefully onto the back, and on around to the chest and buttox areas. The Full Body Mustache concludes in the leg area, and can be different for each grizzly-man. For some, it ends on the ankles. For others, it’s the foot itself. Still others have a continuous flow of hair all the way down to their hairy toe-knuckles.

And THAT, my friends, is the ULTIMATE mustache. I don’t care who you are or what you say, the Full Body Mustache can kick any other mustache’s sorry white butt any day of the week. What they say is true, “Go big, or go home.” Thanks Burt!

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Mustache of the Day - Day 18

To the hero of my youth. This tribute of the 18th day of Mustaches of the Day is for you. Keep on deliverin’!

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Mustache of the Day - Day 17

Oh Dr. Phil. You’re a silly, silly man with a mustache. You must be going somewhere though, cause Oprah thinks you’re cool.

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Mustache of the Day - Day 16

I chose to feature Freddy Mercury’s mustache today to emphasize a point and possibly teach a very valuable lesson.

I’m fairly certain that there have been dozens of artists and bands over the years who have attempted to cover the music created by the legendary band, Queen. I’m slightly embarrassed to admit that I am aware that one such instance occurred this evening on American Idol. People! Seriously, when will you learn that Queen is not meant to be covered. Nobody, until the end of the world will ever EVER be able to sing like Freddie Mercury, better than Freddie Mercury or even in the same ballpark as Freddie Mercury. What it all boils down to is that that queen could sing… and you ain’t that queen. So please, PLEASE just do us all a favor and quit trying. All you’ll end up doing is annoying one half of us, and pissing off the other half.

Let Freddie rest in peace as the king of Queen without attempting to dethrone him.

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Mustache of the Day - Day 15

The Artist Formerly Known as Prince who is now known as Prince, or maybe he’s not… maybe he’s just what’s left of what was formerly known as prince, which is now associated with some funky symbol or something, is a very unusual man. He also has a very unusual mustache. I’m not a huge fan of his tunes. I am not a huge fan of his stash. And I think he looks kinda gay… but hey… that’s reason enough for me to slap him up on my blog.

Note to Whatever-your-name-is: Keep plucking your brows bro… oh, but I recommend you lay off the eyeliner. That’s kinda disturbing.

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Mustache of the Day - Day 14

Happy Easter! I love you Jesus.

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Mustache of the Day - Day 13

Ladies and Gentlemen, I bring you two of Hollywood’s most famous and prestigious mustaches of all time. Wyatt Earp (Kurt Russell) and Doc Holliday (Val Kilmer) set a new precedence for what is a man with the growth of their mustaches. The sheer testosterone and undiluted manliness could drive any woman mad with lust, and probably even make most men question their sexual orientation.

Earp and Holliday lay the smack down on the evildoer Cowboy gang of doom both verbally and physically. They were perhaps two of the last real men to walk the face of this earth, back from the days when there were no “bros” with tasers, professional wrestlers in spandex biker shorts or mustache/mullet combos. Back from the days when men called women, “ma’am” and shot each other in the streets fairly under a strict set of supervised rules.

Mustaches of honor, I salute you! May you go down in history in infamy with the recognition you deserve….

“I’m your huckleberry.”

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Mustache of the Day - Day 12

What’s with dictators and their mustaches? Seriously… get a load of this:

-Adolf Hitler -

He and his unique ‘Hitler-stash’ decided to cleanse the world of the Jews. In World War II, he and his Nazi regime was responsible for over 11 million deaths worldwide.

He is also likely to be one of the most despicable creatures ever to walk to the face of the planet. His life ended in suicide, as did the lives of most of his mistresses.

He obviously had a way with people, and he probably smelt of lavender.

-Saddam Hussein -

Saddam, the extreme Socialist Iraqi leader was proudly responsible for roughly two million (yes, that’s a 2, with 6 zeros after it) deaths in his lifetime. I’m sure his mother would be proud.

What do you want to bet me that he was picked on in elementary school, and killing huge amounts of people was his way of filling that void where his self esteem should have been? He also probably sat down to pee.

-Joseph Stalin -

Stalin and his posse of Communist Revolutionaries had a kill tally of approximately 20 million, and that’s not counting the 14.5 million people that starved to death during his quest to overthrow the government.

To his credit, he DID help overthrow Nazi Germany and end World War II. I don’t think that balances the scales though.

-Ernesto “el Che” Guevara de la Serna -

This dude, is crazy enough that he wasn’t only an influential political leader, but he was smart (and crazy) enough to become the military theorist and leader of the Cuban internationalist guerrilla war machine.

I couldn’t find a kill count for this dude, but the word on the street is that they couldn’t keep count.

Viva Cuba!

So, what’s the deal with mustaches and evil killing machines? No clue. If you find out, let me know. It would probably be a good idea, though, to keep an eye out for psychotic, power-hungry politicians with iconic facial hair in the future.

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Mustache of the Day - Day 11

Any of you who know me know that I’m a huge fan of The Muppets. I have them hanging up in my bedroom. I have original movie posters signed by Brian Henson. I even named my car after a Muppet… his name is Pepe.

That being said, it is nigh impossible for me to go through this month of mustaches without giving tribute to a famous mustache sported by the most famous Muppet of all time… Kermit the Frog.

Ok, so granted it’s not a real mustache, but I had to get him in here somehow right? Plus you really can’t blame me, what would a month of mustaches be like without a milk-mustache?

If you’re extra strange and nerdy (like me), after reading about Muppets and mustaches, you were probably wondering, “Gee, which Muppet sports the most killer rad mustache of all of the Muppets ever created?” Well my friends, his name is Floyd Pepper, and he’s a member of the Electric Mayhem. And here he is singing in an awesome video:

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