Yesterday, my friend Melinda and I were joking around with each other. It was all fun and games… until she attributed a Black Eyed Peas quote to me on her Facebook page. The quote had something to do with my humps… my humps, my humps, my humps.

So, today I decided to own her name. And now I do. You can check out Melinda’s new blog… here.

And this is why it’s important to own your own name on the interwebs… and to play nice with nerds.

(I love you Melinda!)

As I plunged myself into the warm mystery fluids, I felt a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Yes, my phone was still in my pocket… and it was no longer a phone.

For this very reason, I had the utmost pity for the girl at the pool this week.

Some of my good friends recently got married. They are currently living in less-than-ideal conditions in an extended stay motel. (They will not appreciate my repeating that information in a public forum, but so be it.) They come over to my pad from time to time to indulge in the awesome amenities.

On this specific occasion, I was running lase, so the happy couple just snatched up the key to the pool and awaited my arrival in the steaming waters of life.  They were joined by a pair of hormonally overactive teenage couples.

When I showed up to join my friends, I realized that by the time I got ready and made it down to the pool area, it would almost be closing time, and not only would I have missed out on a nice soak, but I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to converse with my peeps. I decided to forgo the swimsuit and just hang out poolside so I could at least reap some benefit from my visit.

I meandered towards the chair that was closest to the tub. I picked up the towels on the chair, assuming they belonged to my friend when I heard a shriek.

Time began moving in slow motion.

As my eyes glanced down I saw it, spinning in mid-air towards the water. One of our handsy tweens had stuck her phone in her towel and it was plummeting towards the waters of cellphones past.

I cringed.

Instinctively my friend dove, hands outstretched towards the phone. As the device pierced water level, my normally less-than-coordinated friend swatted the phone in the air and then grabbed it, tossed it back to me and yelled, “Pull out the battery! Hurry!”

I quickly dismantled the phone, thereby rescuing it from any serious damage.

Hooray for miracles!

I would not be surprised if the owner of the phone pooped a little in her pants during the ordeal. I know I did. And now I understand why they put chlorine in the pool.

I’m sorry cell phone girl, for doing that to you.

Sometimes I wonder how I got to be so awesome.

Written by J. Davis.

Step 1) Be noticed. A guy won’t give you a second look if you don’t look like Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany’s.  Men are like fish.  Two things grab their attention: food and pretty shiny things.

• Don’t eat.  Eating makes you fat and men get turned off when a woman is over 100 lbs.
• Wear lots of makeup.  Your natural beauty just doesn’t cut it.  Cover it up with enough blush, eye-liner, lipstick, and mascara that he won’t be able to recognize you after a dip in the pool.
• Speaking of pools.  Spend as much time there as possible in the smallest bikini you can find.  If you’ve got it flaunt it.  If you don’t, go to the pool until you develop a complex motivating enough for you to take step ‘bullet point 1’ seriously.  Also, the pool is the perfect place to meet good, wholesome guys who will respect you for you and not for your body.
• Tan Tan Tan…guys like girls who look like oompa-loompas.  The pool is not just a place to meet guys.  The sun and the tanning beds are your friends.  You should spend more time with them than be at places like school, church, or the library.  Besides, the guys at church are boring and the ones at the library are creepers.  Stay away!!!
• Appropriate apparel.  Don’t be a prude.  Girls who cover their bodies don’t get as much attention as girls who share their gift with others.  Besides, you don’t want to appear self-righteous.  Short skirts, tight and revealing shirts or anything that provokes a man’s desire to be WITH you or a woman’s desire to BE YOU is appropriate apparel.

Step 2) First impressions are VITAL.  Men, like fish, are easily spooked.

• Act brainless.  Men get discouraged when a woman has a brain that she uses intelligently.  Don’t push him away with your talk of the economy, religion, philosophy or your future ambitions.  Just smile a lot, giggle, and flirt uncontrollably.  If this bait doesn’t work, use the following backup plans:
• Damsel in distress.  Men like to be the heroes.  Appear weak and frail.  Create opportunities for men to come to your rescue.
• Be original.  Say things like, “I’m not like other girls.  My only friends are guys.”  Those are the words men love hearing.  They usually imply you are a very loveable person.
• Appear innocent.  No guy wants to date the girl with a past.  Configure your body like it’s a show but be angry at guys who gawk or whistle at your performance.  After all, the low-cut tank top was on sale, your mother bought it for you and it’s the only thing that fits.  You shouldn’t be judged for that.
• Shun commitment.  Phrases like, “I’m not looking for anything serious right now”, or “I just got out of a serious relationship and I’m not looking to settle down quite yet”, are the words men are hoping to hear from a woman.

Step 3) The together part.  You’ve caught him.  Now what?

• Be passive.  Wait for him to do everything.  Men don’t like proactive women.  Sit around your apartment or at the pool.  Read your magazines and fantasy vampire novels.  Watch reality television.  Spend at least five hours on facebook daily.  Men love to know where their women are at all times and they love knowing that their women are learning the newest and most effective weight loss strategies.
• Act out.  When things don’t go your way, cry.  It worked when you were little and it will certainly work now.
• Be emotional.  Nothing says living life to the fullest like getting a haircut, crying because it’s too short, taking it out on your boyfriend and blaming it on your period.  You two will savor the good moments more and you will come out stronger because of this.
• Create drama.  Keep it spicy and make him appreciate you.  Text other guys in front of him.  Hang out with x-boyfriends.  If he can’t trust you to be around other men then he’s not worth keeping around.
• Don’t communicate.  Talking is for couples who aren’t good at kissing.  Besides, if there’s an issue that needs to be resolved just wait till it’s forgotten.  It’s so much easier to ignore an issue like him watching the game too loud, not cleaning his dirty dishes, or having him explain the lipstick stain on his shirt.
• Manipulation.  It’s another gift women are naturally endowed with.  Don’t bury it.  Use it to your advantage.  Test his love by asking him if you look fat in a smaller sized outfit.  If he says yes, dump him.  If he says no, call him a liar and then dump him.

Step 4) The break up.  You’ve caught your fish.  The game is over.  Throw him back.

• Pre-emptive break up.  If you hear a rumor that he’s going to break up with you or you suspect he will soon, beat him to it.  You don’t want to be that person who when asked who broke up with who, you respond that it was “mutual.”  Everyone knows that the person who says it was mutual is the one who got dumped.  People don’t respect the loser in the relationship.  Be a winner, always.
• “Friends” During your break up, dull the pain by claiming you still want to be friends.  Whether your intentions are sincere matters little.  You’ll both cling on to hope, go through the standard six or seven break ups till finally you can’t stand to be around each other anymore.
• Don’t burn your bridges.  You may get lonely or want a shoulder to cry on later down the road.  Or you may want to use him to make a future boyfriend jealous.
• There are plenty of fish in the sea.  Don’t waste your time on this one.  There are always going to be bigger, prettier fish downstream that are wealthier, drive nicer cars and treat their mothers’ right.

Step 5) Repeat step one.

-Birthdays are fun, even if there is pie instead of cake, you end up doing dishes for someone elses party and hanging out with your 40-something religion professor instead of your parents because they left you for a tropical paradise.

-Sometimes people are even cooler in real life than they are on the internet… but mostly that’s only the people you meet on Twitter.

-Imitation is the highest form of flattery.

-Sunshine in Utah > Rain in Hawaii.

-If there is happiness to be found in the cold mountains of Utah, it is only encountered while standing on a board with wheels whilst using the forces of gravity to propel oneself effortlessly down a hill, all the while experiencing the beauty of a blue sky and the newly budding trees of spring.

-Side effects of spin class include but are not limited to: vomiting, rubber legs, lightheadedness, labored breathing and a strong desire to die.

- Snallergies = snow + allergies. Snallergies are bad and make me hate springtime in Utah.

-Change is healthy, necessary, difficult at times but more often than not, very rewarding.

-Letting go of something you love can make it twice as fun to come back to later. But don’t let that give you any ideas…

-It doesn’t matter how many people think you’re the ‘nice guy,’ there’s always going to be at least one who finds a way to make you the jerk.

-Persistence and patience pay off… I hope. I mean, that’s what they tell me.

-Doing the chicken dance in the mirror in the mornings just to make yourself laugh is a great way to start the day.

-”We need time, only time…” – Owl City

Farewell to a faithful friend who hung on to my upper lip for nearly four weeks.  As faithful as you were, I don’t think I’ll miss you.

We ended Movember a little early due to the fact that we wanted to vote before the month ended, and since the majority of our staff will be leaving for home over the next week to spend Thanksgiving with their families, today became judgement day.

Also, I feel absolutely terrible on the inside of my body, so I’m going to go to bed so my mom isn’t angry at me for being sick for Thanksgiving.

If you want to see the rest of the OrangeSoda mustaches, just click here.  It will be worth your while.

In lieu of the Holy War today. I give you the University of Utah’s student body president.  I dare you to try to keep down your lunch.

They say a picture is worth 1,000 words.  I think this one is worth more.