Here is a list of things that I would rather peel the dead skin off of, other than my back or face:

• I’d rather peel the dead skin off of a cantaloupe. Now, you are probably thinking that this is not a significant “I’d Rather” statement. However, you did not stop to take into consideration the fact that I am allergic to melons (the plant kind). Now it makes more sense, doesn’t it?
• I’d rather peel the dead skin off of a hobo… regardless of their commonly poor personal hygiene.
• I’d rather peel the skin off of a zombie. I mean, come on, their skin is already falling off anyway, right?
• I’d rather peel the skin off of the Mid to Late 1981 Japanese promo lp by ABBA entitled ‘Slipping Through My Fingers,’ despite it’s unusual collectibility and resale value. (Do people really listen to ABBA?)
• I’d rather peel the skin off of your feet. Ew.
• I’d rather peel the skin off of the wretched chicken sandwich I got from Crapplebee’s a few weeks ago… as long as I had gloves on.

Feel free to add anything you’d like to peel the skin off of to this list in the comments.

On a side note, Applebee’s called back today. They left me a voicemail. I will be calling them back tomorrow. You can expect a full and detailed report of my findings. Who knows, maybe they’ll give me free Key Lime Pie Poop!

I still feel like throwing up.

The following is a list of things that I would rather do than wake up to see yet another gray, gloomy sky with frozen bits of hydrogen dioxide falling from the sky:

• I’d rather glue my butt cheeks together.
• I’d rather go to hair school.
• I’d rather serve another mission.
• I’d rather get hassled about my relationship status by my entire extended family.
• I’d rather lick a cactus.
• I’d rather eat lima beans. Ew. *Bleh!*
• I’d rather roll around in a large vat of honey and then run through a bear cage.

And there we have it. You officially have an idea of how much I loathe the snow… especially at this time of year. I loathe it with my very core. It makes my toes curl just thinking about it.

It’s nigh impossible for me to think of something that I would rather not do than cram myself into the back middle seat of a Ford Focus for 12 hours without leg-room, with Sleepy-Druleface-McGee on my right, and I-Just-Had-To-Eat-Chili-Last-Night Sanders on my left.

So now I present to you a list of things that I would rather do than drive to California in a small consumer car crowded with five people… and their bags:

• I’d rather get my back waxed.
• I’d rather have an asthma attack.
• I’d rather sit on a sharp rock.
• I’d rather listen to the Happy Working Song from Enchanted… TWICE!
• I’d rather hang out with Gary Coleman.
• I’d rather wrestle a bear… a big bear.
• I’d rather walk to California.

So, without further ado, I present to you the first I’d Rather… post in TheBigBags history!

Things I’d Rather Do Than Have Hillary Clinton As President

• I’d rather have a 3 hour prostate exam.
• I’d rather tweeze my nose-hairs.
• I’d rather be Zsa Zsa Gabor‘s 10th husband.
• I’d rather smack myself in the head with a hammer… with the side that removes the nails. (Thanks Nate)
• I’d rather cross the continent on foot with a bad case of ‘Monkey Butt.’
• I’d rather have a sleepover with both Richard Simmons and Michael Jackson on consecutive nights.
• I’d rather eat myself alive.
• I’d rather watch Charlie the Unicorn on repeat for a week.
• I’d rather be a MySpace-er.
• Last, but not least, I’d rather have Bill back!

There! I hope you enjoyed it. The first installment of “I’d rather…” Please feel free to add to the list in the comments!

After all, isn’t this the face you want leading our country through some of the toughest economical, turmoil laden, internationally torn, internally divided times in history? I sure think so!

(I guess you can start scheduling my prostate exam…)