All posts in Letters to Companies I Hate

Dear 101.9 The End-

It may sound ludicrous, but I listen to the radio to hear music.  I know, it’s insane.  It’s like saying I watch Flava’ of Love for the acting or MTV for the music videos.  It is fairly apparent that the music on public radio is growing more and more scarse as the days go by.

I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking, “Bags, we don’t work for free.  We need commercials to have money to pay our paychecks and the pay company who makes the huge stickers that go on our sponsored refrigerator box Sions.”  Look, I realize that you need commercials to fund your airwaves, but it’s not the commercials that I am referring to in this case.  My fight is with your idiot DJ’s. Honestly, it seems like your DJ’s, from morning to night, are just plain old obsessed with hearing the droning sound of their own voices.

I used to tune in to your station to hear the cool music.  You played songs nobody else played, and when you weren’t playing those songs, you were playing different versions of the songs everyone else was playing from live recordings in your studio.  Those were the good ole’ days.  It still brings a tear to my eye and a skip to my step just thinking about them.  As of recent, however, your DJ’s have developed a habit that has literally slaughtered the art that is quality public radio… they talk over the beginning and ending of the music they play.

Seriously, guys… stop it.

Just because a song has a beautiful instrumental intro does not mean that you need to come up with some sort of unimportant DJ mumbo jumbo filler to broadcast over it!  You do not need to sing along to the songs you play… not even to Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody. You do not need to try to time the “Ka-chiiing!” at the end of Mika’s Grace Kelly to be cool.  You do not even have to try to bark to Who Let The Dogs Out? … we know you can do it… spare us the grief of having to listen to you.  And honestly, if you absolutely have to do it, do it with the mic off. 

Frankly, it’s gotten so bad that I find more joy now in listening to the background music (Ratatat, Cake’s Manah Manah and US3′s Cantaloop) that plays whilst you drone on and on about your children, your tight new jeans and your lipo suction and lazer hair removal surgeries.  At least I expect you to talk over them… even though they are as good, or better than all of the overplayed Colby Calliat nonsense that you seem not to be abel to get enough of.

101.9, you are quickly becoming the cancer of radio.  You are brining as good a reputation to radio as Richard Simmons did to the aerobic tape industry.

Suck it up and shut it up so I can get back to hearing music.

-Bags

Dear Disney,

Throughout my entire childhood your gifted team of professional animators and producers provided me endless hours of mind numbing entertainment. It seemed like every year or two a new Disney Classic was released on the big screen to twist and deform my perceptions of life and the reality of love. I patiently awaited the day when I could court a gorgeous redhead with a seashell bra, or a beautiful, fair-skinned brunette with an obsession for short hairy men. Alas, that day never came.

Now, here I sit in my dorm room, a 24-year-old college student without a magic carpet, a band of best friends who dress up in animal skin pajamas, fight pirates and fly around with a sexy fairy, or a talking pet. I truly don’t think you understand the disappointment that I have experienced at your hand.

My disappointment is not limited, however, to a lack of fulfilled childhood dreams. The dissatisfaction I experienced only mounted as I witnessed the garbage that your sequel department released. Whoever is in charge of your sequel department should be burned in effigy, hanged, shot, burned again, kicked in the weiner, and then fed to a starving shiver of sharks.

The 40+ direct-to-video pieces of crap are nothing but a shameless ploy to extract and scam as much coin from precious 5-year-old girls who hope to become princesses and pre-pubescent 11 year old boys who hope to marry one. I mean, in The Little Mermaid II, Return to the Sea, you didn’t even stick with the original movie plot for heaven sakes! YOU DE-HUMANIZED HER! This poor half fish, half girl has undergone more species changes than Carrot Top!

I mean, you know you have reached a new low when you are exploiting a bear named Pooh.

Rather than beating a dead horse, why not just be creative again and make a new, original movie with semi-normal characters so that you can destroy an entire new generation’s belief by telling them that true love is easy, all fat girls are evil, all step-moms are evil, and that people randomly break into synchronized song and dance for no apparent reason when you walk down the street? Wait, that would require effort. And who needs effort when effortless allows you to wipe your butt with $100 bills?

Disney: “Where Dreams Come True”… and then are shamelessly obliterated by the painfully crushing blow of reality smacking you in the face.

Disney, you have ruined my life.

-Bags