My Best Friend Is A Sissy-Face-La-La-Pants-Bed-Wetter Who Traded In His Man Card By Opening Doors For Boys

Posted on October 18th, 2008 by Bags.
Categories: Life is a joke, Oh SNAP!.

Dear Best Friend,

It’s been a while since we’ve really hung out, especially since you acquired the new growth that seems to accompany you everywhere… just dangling from your right arm. Don’t get me wrong, that large self dependent lump of fleshy mass with dual wielding ‘x’ chromosomes is actually a good look for you. I daresay it’s an improvement on the old you. It completes you in a way that even your mistress Jezebel could not. I hadn’t realized how much it had affected you, however, until yesterday when we met up for some delicious, meaty man time.

As we conversed over our messy mounds of dead animal squished between two mounds of bread, we contemplated the issues of commitment, politics and saving the world… you know, the usual. Nothing really seemed to be amiss until you offered to share your doughnut with me. Now, I know that sharing is caring… but ‘halfsies’ on dessert? Really? That’s kind of pushing the boundaries of friendship a little too close to the edge.

As we left our meeting point of choice and headed out toward your car I was confused as you rushed past me and approached the passenger door. At first, I thought you were going to let me drive the convertible, because you were being a good friend and wanted me to enjoy the potentially last opportunity to drive it with the top down before you either sell it, or winter hits. Alas, I was mistaken.

You opened the door for me. Let that sink in for a minute. You. Opened. My. Door. You blatantly crossed the line of mutual man-respect and opened my door like I was your girlfriend…

Don’t get me wrong, I’m touched… but I’m also incredibly weirded out and slightly impressed. You’ve become so acustomed to opening your door for her that it is just a force of habit that obviously cannot be given up for even the most manly of occasions.

You’re a good man Mr. Kartchner, but it is going to take a real feat to earn back the manhood you just gave up. I hope it was worth it.

-Bags

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Where Did I Go?

Posted on October 11th, 2008 by Bags.
Categories: Life is a joke, Oh SNAP!.

Maybe you’re wondering where I went, because you read my website a lot, and you noticed I haven’t been around in a while. Also, maybe you’re not wondering that. I don’t know. Either way, I would like to explain the reason for my absence. It is this:

CLICK HERE

I’ve been working on it all week. And I’m proud of it.

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Turning In My Man Card

Posted on September 25th, 2008 by Bags.
Categories: Life is a joke, Oh SNAP!.

Last night we hosted a movie watching party. After the movie ended, we carried on late into the night with our mindless banter and friendly pleasantries as college students tend to do.

At one point, my friend Charlotte was laying upon our Lovesac, tenderly named The Fornicator. As she lay there sprawled out, unsuspecting of any ill that should befall her, I pounced. I tickled her until she couldn’t breathe. She screamed for help, but it was to no avail… until… SHE arrived.

Julie can’t weigh more than a buck 10, but before I knew it my hand had been twisted up behind me and I was scratching the back of my neck in a very uncomfortable manner. I winced in pain as she tugged again and my body involuntarily rolled off The Fornicator. I laid there on the floor, out of breath and in complete shock.

I just got submitted by a girl. I didn’t even have a chance to fight back… not that I would, but still. All of my hopes and dreams of fighting in The Octagon were dashed by a soft-spoken 18-year-old who suddenly had transformed into a tool of death. No more shameless tickle-flirting for Bags…

I need to completely rethink my flirting philosophy. Any recommendations?

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