All posts in Oh, the irony…

The following is guest post outlying specific step-by-step instructions women must take to catch the eye of the perfect man.

Written by J. Davis.

Step 1) Be noticed. A guy won’t give you a second look if you don’t look like Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany’s.  Men are like fish.  Two things grab their attention: food and pretty shiny things.

• Don’t eat.  Eating makes you fat and men get turned off when a woman is over 100 lbs.
• Wear lots of makeup.  Your natural beauty just doesn’t cut it.  Cover it up with enough blush, eye-liner, lipstick, and mascara that he won’t be able to recognize you after a dip in the pool.
• Speaking of pools.  Spend as much time there as possible in the smallest bikini you can find.  If you’ve got it flaunt it.  If you don’t, go to the pool until you develop a complex motivating enough for you to take step ‘bullet point 1’ seriously.  Also, the pool is the perfect place to meet good, wholesome guys who will respect you for you and not for your body.
• Tan Tan Tan…guys like girls who look like oompa-loompas.  The pool is not just a place to meet guys.  The sun and the tanning beds are your friends.  You should spend more time with them than be at places like school, church, or the library.  Besides, the guys at church are boring and the ones at the library are creepers.  Stay away!!!
• Appropriate apparel.  Don’t be a prude.  Girls who cover their bodies don’t get as much attention as girls who share their gift with others.  Besides, you don’t want to appear self-righteous.  Short skirts, tight and revealing shirts or anything that provokes a man’s desire to be WITH you or a woman’s desire to BE YOU is appropriate apparel.

Step 2) First impressions are VITAL.  Men, like fish, are easily spooked.

• Act brainless.  Men get discouraged when a woman has a brain that she uses intelligently.  Don’t push him away with your talk of the economy, religion, philosophy or your future ambitions.  Just smile a lot, giggle, and flirt uncontrollably.  If this bait doesn’t work, use the following backup plans:
• Damsel in distress.  Men like to be the heroes.  Appear weak and frail.  Create opportunities for men to come to your rescue.
• Be original.  Say things like, “I’m not like other girls.  My only friends are guys.”  Those are the words men love hearing.  They usually imply you are a very loveable person.
• Appear innocent.  No guy wants to date the girl with a past.  Configure your body like it’s a show but be angry at guys who gawk or whistle at your performance.  After all, the low-cut tank top was on sale, your mother bought it for you and it’s the only thing that fits.  You shouldn’t be judged for that.
• Shun commitment.  Phrases like, “I’m not looking for anything serious right now”, or “I just got out of a serious relationship and I’m not looking to settle down quite yet”, are the words men are hoping to hear from a woman.

Step 3) The together part.  You’ve caught him.  Now what?

• Be passive.  Wait for him to do everything.  Men don’t like proactive women.  Sit around your apartment or at the pool.  Read your magazines and fantasy vampire novels.  Watch reality television.  Spend at least five hours on facebook daily.  Men love to know where their women are at all times and they love knowing that their women are learning the newest and most effective weight loss strategies.
• Act out.  When things don’t go your way, cry.  It worked when you were little and it will certainly work now.
• Be emotional.  Nothing says living life to the fullest like getting a haircut, crying because it’s too short, taking it out on your boyfriend and blaming it on your period.  You two will savor the good moments more and you will come out stronger because of this.
• Create drama.  Keep it spicy and make him appreciate you.  Text other guys in front of him.  Hang out with x-boyfriends.  If he can’t trust you to be around other men then he’s not worth keeping around.
• Don’t communicate.  Talking is for couples who aren’t good at kissing.  Besides, if there’s an issue that needs to be resolved just wait till it’s forgotten.  It’s so much easier to ignore an issue like him watching the game too loud, not cleaning his dirty dishes, or having him explain the lipstick stain on his shirt.
• Manipulation.  It’s another gift women are naturally endowed with.  Don’t bury it.  Use it to your advantage.  Test his love by asking him if you look fat in a smaller sized outfit.  If he says yes, dump him.  If he says no, call him a liar and then dump him.

Step 4) The break up.  You’ve caught your fish.  The game is over.  Throw him back.

• Pre-emptive break up.  If you hear a rumor that he’s going to break up with you or you suspect he will soon, beat him to it.  You don’t want to be that person who when asked who broke up with who, you respond that it was “mutual.”  Everyone knows that the person who says it was mutual is the one who got dumped.  People don’t respect the loser in the relationship.  Be a winner, always.
• “Friends” During your break up, dull the pain by claiming you still want to be friends.  Whether your intentions are sincere matters little.  You’ll both cling on to hope, go through the standard six or seven break ups till finally you can’t stand to be around each other anymore.
• Don’t burn your bridges.  You may get lonely or want a shoulder to cry on later down the road.  Or you may want to use him to make a future boyfriend jealous.
• There are plenty of fish in the sea.  Don’t waste your time on this one.  There are always going to be bigger, prettier fish downstream that are wealthier, drive nicer cars and treat their mothers’ right.

Step 5) Repeat step one.