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January 21, 2009 

Facebook Stalked

creepygirlHave you ever been sexually accosted on the internet? I have. And it was Awkward with a capital ‘A’.

A week or so ago, some girl requested my Facebook friendship (as the girls are wont to do).  I accepted her humble request, because I never turn down a new member of the Big Bags Entourage.  I did, however, leave her a nice note informing her that I didn’t think that I had met her previously.  I continued, letting her know that until she could prove that we had in fact met, that I would not speak with her for my mother taught me not to talk to strangers.

Not two days later, the socially backward psychopath on the other end of the intertubes struck up a conversation with me. (I refuse to refer to this person as a ‘she’ because I would really prefer that it were some sort of sick dude than a sick chica.)  Said humanoid began the conversation saying that she only added me, “because I thought you were hott.”

Red flag.

Anyone who spells ‘hot’ with two ‘T’s’ is not for me. Period. End of story.

Even though ‘she’ was stupid, I was flattered.  I mean, come on, even if it was a dude, at least I could assume they thought I was sexy. And who doesn’t like to be sexy?

As we continued our conversation, I began to grow uneasy.  This ‘girl’ was most definitely not wasting any time on frivolities.  ‘She’ wanted to get right down to business… and before I knew it, I felt dirty.

I was obliged to immediately delete ‘her’ from my entourage, and begin warning my friends.  One friend of mine, a girl, said something that amused me after my relating of the above story.  She said, “Oh. I thought that stuff could only happen to a girl.”

Well, surprize! I guess the joke is on me.  They say it takes a real man to admit he’s been sexually harassed… and that real man is me. And I’m fairly certain I’m the alone in my awkwardness at this point.

On a brighter note, here’s a song that’s semi-about this experience… written by my good friend Chad. Ok, maybe it’s not about this experience, but it’s about girls on Facebook, and that’s almost the same.  Kind of like mad cows (disgruntled bovine) and mad cow disease (the fatal illness) are the same. Enjoy.

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12 Responses to “Facebook Stalked”

  1. Josh January 22, 2009 at 7:21 am #

    Holy cow, that pic is awesome!

  2. LilShep January 22, 2009 at 8:12 am #

    and that song is awesome. still can’t believe this awkaward with a capital “A” experience happened to you…

  3. LilShep January 22, 2009 at 8:13 am #

    dang it, i typed awkward wrong! i’m so smrt…

  4. Jeffe January 22, 2009 at 10:23 am #

    i am so proud that you would share this experience with the interweb. that is awesome, and i think it is even more awesome that you have started to attract stalkers from ‘myspace’ all the way to facebook. congratulations.

  5. Rian January 22, 2009 at 11:45 am #

    Why didn’t you post a link to her profile? I need something to do this weekend.

  6. Bailey January 22, 2009 at 12:53 pm #

    Oh to be 18 again and sexually harass “hott” guys on facebook ;)

  7. cailie January 22, 2009 at 9:12 pm #

    it was the headband…

  8. Razin January 22, 2009 at 10:02 pm #

    I need to collect me a few Facebook Stalkers so that I can sacrifice them and get a Whopper!

    Heck yes!!!

  9. Sandy January 22, 2009 at 10:33 pm #

    I wouldn’t be surprised if it was a special someone we know

  10. Lana January 23, 2009 at 1:26 pm #

    Hey what do you say we meet up in a dark alley?

  11. Audrey February 14, 2009 at 4:03 pm #

    My (male) friend told me the other day that everybody secretly wants to be stocked.

    I have to disagree.

    Furthermore, anyone who tells you that is probably secretly stalking you.

  12. Chris Hooley March 2, 2009 at 8:27 pm #

    Facebook aint nothin. Try getting on MySpace or Hot or Not. I have had random large women with extreme angle shots sending my pics of their lady bits, trying to web cam me (OK I accepted at least ONE of those invites) and one of them even asked to lick my toes.

    My toenails have never been cleaner.

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