I’m back from my one week family vacation!

The majority of our trip was spent in what many people call “The Happiest Place On Earth.” I assume that all of the people who use this term are 7 years old, want to be princesses, and aren’t at all weirded out that life size, mute cartoon characters roam the streets unsupervised.

Mimes have always seemed creepy to me… genderless mimes in giant fuzzy animal costumes is crossing the line in my boat.

Aside from the freaky life sized Disney plush dolls at the turn of every corner, I really did have a good time, and I learned a lot. To prove how wonderfully beneficial this trip was for me, I have composed a list of things I’ve learned from this last trip at Disneyland.

• Finding Nemo is overrated. Plus, he’s not really lost… the people that rode the ride before you already found him.
• Girls pretend not to fart. Sharing a room with your sister will teach you that once girls are asleep, the ‘no farting’ rule becomes null and void, and they can no longer be held accountable for their bodily functions.
• The best place to sit on Splash Mountain is in the fetal position behind the largest person on the watercraft.
• At Disneyland, if you don’t speak English, the park rules don’t pertain to you… neither does common courtesy.
• If you want to be ushered to the front of all the lines, it’s worth it to find the nearest crippled homeless beggar on the way to the park, and offer them a free ticket to be your grandpa or grandma for the day. It’s worth the extra $70 to watch the faces of the 300 people who’ve been waiting in line for 3 hours in 100 degree heat for the new Toy Story Mania ride as you stroll past them to the front without hesitation.

  It’s even better to see their faces when you get off the ride, and walk to the front again.

• They’ve moved all of the Disney Princesses to one convenient location for your convenience. There is an entire facility with organized lines and scheduled activities allowing you to spend time with and take pictures of all the princesses in an orderly not-mob like fashion. Despite what you may think, they will not move you to the front of the line or give you any other special treatment, even if you’re 22, male, single and potentially a prince.

Thank you Walt, for building a place where a 20-something’s dreams come true every day.

P.S. I’m never eating Korean food again. It gave me the hot farts.