Ok, so I quickly realized that with the pressures of work, a developing romantic interest and work, writing one embittered and resentful letter per day is highly a unrealistic expectation. I will, however, do my best to keep up with the demand. Please don’t hate me if you don’t get 30 letters this month.
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Dear FLDS (Fundamentalist Latter-Day Saints, or as I like to say, the Fake Latter-Day Saints) Church,
I can’t help but notice your ever growing popularity with the media over the recent weeks. All of this hoopla about polygamist raids and cousins marrying cousins and whatnot… it’s really starting to piss me off.
Ironically, the reasons spawning my irritation are not likely to be the same as the majority of those other critics who refer to you a mentally unsound, and grossly morally backwards institution. The fact of the matter is that I already knew you were mentally unsound and morally backwards. I knew that polygamy was still being practiced in some little sick and twisted po-dunk community out there. I also knew that one day the shit would hit the fan, someone would expose you… and that’s when the mud flinging would begin.
Well, that day is today, and now the negative publicity for your church is inevitably resulting in negative publicity for mine.
The world is disgusted by the “Fundamentalist Mormons”. I hear it over and over every day. “Fundamentalist Mormons, Fundamentalist Mormons, Fundamentalist Mormons!” Did the creators of your church eat stupid pills the day they were to decide on a name? Seriously, I can see it now… *wavy flashback effect*…
“Hey, since our church stopped allowing men to marry as many women as we want, why don’t we just leave and start our own church where we can do whatever we want?”
“You’re a genius! Let’s do it! But we’ll need a name. What should we call ourselves?”
“Hmmmm, well, we want it to sound fun so people will join… and we want it to sound smart so people will think we’re smart… HEY! How bout the Fun-da-mentalist Mormons!”
“I like it! It’s original, unique and not at all similar to any other religion we may have belonged to in the past and would never want to be associated with in the future.”
Seriously, you just don’t get more screwed up than that. We don’t want anything to do with the Blue Team anymore, so we are forming our own team! It’s called the Fundamentalist Blue Team… nobody will suspect a thing. Argh! (Grunt of frustration.)
I guess more than anything, I just hate it when someone realizes that their ship is sinking fast so they look around and pull anyone they can get their hands on down with them. Millions of wholesome, good standing Mormons the world over now have a need to defend their beliefs to the skeptic and the unfamiliar because of your inane inability to think sensibly.
Do us all a favor and get your own freaking original name and learn take responsibility for your own actions.
-Bags
A note to the rest of the world: Mormons don’t practice polygamy. Fundamentalist Mormons are not Mormons any more than Tom Cruise is one… but they are just as crazy.
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No way am I sharing my furture man!! ha ha. I have watched a lot on the news about this and I feel bad for the kids for not being able to be with their families but I think the kids need to be able to live normal lives and be able to see what the world has to offer. I think it is a hard situation all around, but when you don’t abide by the law then you will get caught one day.