Letters To Companies I Hate – Day 4
Dear Disney,
Throughout my entire childhood your gifted team of professional animators and producers provided me endless hours of mind numbing entertainment. It seemed like every year or two a new Disney Classic was released on the big screen to twist and deform my perceptions of life and the reality of love. I patiently awaited the day when I could court a gorgeous redhead with a seashell bra, or a beautiful, fair-skinned brunette with an obsession for short hairy men. Alas, that day never came.
Now, here I sit in my dorm room, a 24-year-old college student without a magic carpet, a band of best friends who dress up in animal skin pajamas, fight pirates and fly around with a sexy fairy, or a talking pet. I truly don’t think you understand the disappointment that I have experienced at your hand.
My disappointment is not limited, however, to a lack of fulfilled childhood dreams. The dissatisfaction I experienced only mounted as I witnessed the garbage that your sequel department released. Whoever is in charge of your sequel department should be burned in effigy, hanged, shot, burned again, kicked in the weiner, and then fed to a starving shiver of sharks.
The 40+ direct-to-video pieces of crap are nothing but a shameless ploy to extract and scam as much coin from precious 5-year-old girls who hope to become princesses and pre-pubescent 11 year old boys who hope to marry one. I mean, in The Little Mermaid II, Return to the Sea, you didn’t even stick with the original movie plot for heaven sakes! YOU DE-HUMANIZED HER! This poor half fish, half girl has undergone more species changes than Carrot Top!
I mean, you know you have reached a new low when you are exploiting a bear named Pooh.
Rather than beating a dead horse, why not just be creative again and make a new, original movie with semi-normal characters so that you can destroy an entire new generation’s belief by telling them that true love is easy, all fat girls are evil, all step-moms are evil, and that people randomly break into synchronized song and dance for no apparent reason when you walk down the street? Wait, that would require effort. And who needs effort when effortless allows you to wipe your butt with $100 bills?
Disney: “Where Dreams Come True”… and then are shamelessly obliterated by the painfully crushing blow of reality smacking you in the face.
Disney, you have ruined my life.
-Bags
May 13th, 2008 at 7:50 am
AMEN!!! From a girl’s point of view, imagine my disappointment when I didn’t grow up to look like princess aurora and last time I checked I wasn’t married to a prince named Phillip! As far as other disappointments I feel compelled to point out that my bed doesn’t fly to under water cities, various creatures don’t help me get ready in the morning (which would be helpful), I don’t have a car that can fly which leads to my other main beef about myself not being able to fly, and most importantly… ATTENTION SPOILER ALERT…When you wish upon a star, your dreams Don’t always come true! I hate to be the bearer of bad news but there it is.
May 14th, 2008 at 11:57 pm
All crushed fantasies aside, the bevy of secretly released sequels is genius. You may have missed that the 5 year old “victim” is not shelling out the benjamins for the overpriced videos. Oh no. She would be competely satisfied to watch the original over, and over, and over, and over. She apparently doesn’t realize that the witch loses, every time! that the songs were cute, the first 15,000 times! and she is not the one humming princess songs in front of coworkers because she can’t get that infernal tune out of her head.
Disney knows that no one wants to watch them, that’s why the don’t even try with the big screen. Some people have to watch them, and mommy and daddy will gladly throw down too much money to get a hint of variety out of the square-faced babysitter in the living room.
May 28th, 2008 at 10:45 am
Truly hilarious post – thanks for the laugh.
June 7th, 2008 at 9:35 am
People randomly break into synchronized song and dance for no apparent reason when I walk down the street …where do you live?