I’m writing this post partly for me, but mostly for someone else.

Part of me thinks I shouldn’t write this, because making my personal life fairly public can risky. The last thing I want is a bunch of pity comments from people trying to sympathize with a situation they know nothing about. (That’s why comments have been disabled.) However, I know that someone needs to hear this.

At the moment, I need to come to grips with a tidal wave of experiences and emotions that have slammed me in the heart over the past day or so.

If you’re familiar with Abraham of the Bible, you know he was an old dude. He was also promised that he’d have posterity. Lots and lots of posterity.  I’m sure that as the years passed by and there were no children, Abraham started to wonder whether or not he was going to get that one thing that he most desired… a son.  He struggled. He wavered. And finally, when it was announced that his wife would bear a child, he doubted.

I can only imagine his joy when he finally came to grips with reality. He really was going to have that one thing he always wanted! Isaac was born, and Abraham was happy…

Until one day when Abraham got a message. A really crappy message. Abraham had to destroy the one thing that he held more dear than anything else. He was commanded to kill Isaac. He literally had to kill the one son who was the absolute key to the fulfillment of so many promises and so much happiness.

The request to sacrifice is not uncommon in scripture. This particular sacrifice though, I think, is on a whole different scale of significance.  He was asked to sacrifice his only son, and for reasons he did not understand.

The surprising thing? He did it…

He could have disobeyed. He could have ignored the messages and promptings he’d received to do this unbearable thing. But instead, he packed up his son, put him on an altar, and had every intention of completing the sacrifice until an angel stayed his hand.

I never understood the significance of this story.

Sacrificing the thing you love most in this world because of your faith in God seems cruel. I can tell you now that it also feels unnaturally painful and harsh. The unanswered questions, the overwhelming emotions, the emptiness and the longing for something you know you can’t have… it’s the closest thing I’ve experienced to unbearable in my life.

It’s not easy. It’s at a Crap level of infinity.

My hope is that, like Abraham, the promises made will be fulfilled, and that one day peace and happiness will return… and not just for me.

451143.

Beyond this whole vague personal trial of Abraham, my heart goes out to my dear Chilean friends and family. I hope so much that you are all alive and safe.