wet-pantsI am on the brink of finals. This time of year is always the most stressful for me.  I am trying to get all of my late assignments turned in while watching the weather warm up and the earth turn green.  I long to be outside while being trapped inside.  The paper writing takes its toll, as do the tests. And, on top of the stresses of finals, the management at my apartment complex has set our move-out date to land right in the middle of finals week requiring all of the students (the vast majority of the tenants) to be packing, cleaning and moving while they should be studying.

This Tuesday I woke up and was informed by one of my roommates that (on top of everything else mentioned above) carpet cleaning day had arrived.  Once every 6 months the management decides it’s time to clean our carpet.  I like clean carpet, but in order to do a thorough cleaning, they require us to move everything off of the floors in every carpeted room in the house. This includes couches, chairs and everything in our closets.  Since I haden’t set apart extra time to prepare for carpet cleaning, I had to put the pedal to the metal on my normal morning routine.  I got everything done, and made it to class only to remember that I had a final group presentation later in the day that I was supposed to dress up for.  The current jeans and t-shirt apparel would not be acceptable.

After that first class I ran to my second class, dropped my bag off with a friend and headed home to change my outfit to something more suiting a presentation. I made it back half way through class number two.  As I opened the door to walk in, I realized that the only vacant seat in the entire classroom was right on the front row.  I snuck up to the front as stealthily as I could and slipped into my seat putting my shoulderbag on my desk.  As luck would have it, the lid to my water bottle had come loose and as my shoulderbag hit the desk, the contents of my water bottle spewed forth like a mighty geizer. The water saturated my crotch and created a puddle in my seat sufficient enough to soak my bottom along with it.  One by one, as people began to notice what had happened, the classroom burst into laughter.  I stood up to show off my soggy pants with a sigh, I shuffled out of the classroom.

I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t have enough time to go home and change. My presentation was in less than an hour, and I was walking around campus looking like my bladder had exploded.  I decided my best option would be venture out into the warm spring sun and sit spread eagle on a bench with my bits facing the sun.

Dozens of people passed me by, staring at my junk.  I felt embarassed, violated and wet.  It was hilarious.  It was probably very similar to the feeling that the first girl junior high school to go through puberty girl gets.  My face had been erased from existence. People only saw my wet crotch.

I know you’re curious to know what finally happened.  My pants dried (mostly), and my presentation went well (mostly).  The only damage done was to my ego… and my attitude.

The moral of the story? If you’re ugly, just pour water on your crotch. Your world will be turned upside down. You will be noticed, and people will look at you with a smile… and it’s not just because they think it’s funny that you don’t have any bladder control.