I know that one of you (or maybe all two of you) has been anxiously awaiting a review of the new Batman movie written by yours truly.

I’m going to assume that you’ve already seen the movie due to the fact that it grossed over $158,000,000.00 in its opening weekend, and a number that high implies that roughly every human on earth saw it at least once within that 3 day span. So, if you haven’t seen it, and I say something that spoils the plot (like “Heath Ledger dies.”), it’s your own fault. You should have seen it this weekend like the rest of the human race did… including my pen pal from Zambia named Beenzu.

I’ve talked to lots of people about the movie. They all had the same general reaction. Most people thought it was ‘dark,’ or ‘intense,’ or just plain ‘evil.’ But personally, if I could choose one word to describe The Dark Knight, I think it would be ‘cute.’ I mean, honestly, what’s more adorable than grown men dressing up as clowns, scarecrows and bats, running around the street at night time with one another? Where I’m from, they call that Halloween. The only thing they were missing was my killer bumblebee costume from last year. (Nothing says evil villain like a bumblebee outfit.)

Ok, but really.

Back to the topic at hand… as always, I have to give props where props are due. Heath, even though I know you’re never going to read this because you’re dead and all, “YOU DA’ MAN!”

Honestly folks, I disagree with anyone who says that Heath Ledger played a great villain. I also disagree with them if they say he played the best villain. The character he played-this Joker he created-is not a villain… he is a monster. An absolute wretch escaped from the darkest corner of H-E-double hockey sticks. And it was indeed a spectacle to watch. It was not, however, my favorite part of the flick.

What was my favorite part, you ask? Well, dear reader, my favorite part had to be every part where Maggie Gyllenhaal replaced Katie Holmes with her believable, non-upstaging, un-sucktastic acting. Ok, so I made up a few words there… but man I am so glad that Katie Holmes got nixed from this film. I think it’s payment for her participation in that fake relationship to cover up Tom’s gayness… oh, and the whole conversion to Scientology thing.

Needless to say, I’m a fan. I like movies where Christian Bale plays a crazed billionaire who likes to dress up in a spandex bat costume and whisper secrets into criminals ears with the voice of an 80-year-old chain smoker.

I like movies featuring psychotic, disfigured clowns who have no conscience or morals and delight on reaping havoc on the innocent and defenseless people of Gotham (which isn’t a real place, by the way).

I like movies with Maggie Gyllenhaal.

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