Why I Love BYU

Posted on April 5th, 2008 by Bags.
Categories: Dancing, Facial Hair, Life is a joke.

Probably what the girl that made me shave looked like 10 years ago.There are so many reasons to love Brigham Young University. For starters there’s… well… um. Well they have the… hmmmm… I take it back. I can’t think of ANY reasons to love BYU at the moment. This may partially be due to the fact that I’m not particularly happy with them today. Want to hear the story? I’m sure you do.

So, I have been growing out my sexy beard again for the past few days because, well, facial hair is freakin’ sexy. Tonight, after spending the day with family and friends watching General Conference, I headed to BYU campus to perform with my swing dance team for the last time.

I showed up to the dance with just a few minutes to spare. As usual, there was the table full of three ticket-taker BYU girls dressed in blue shirts sitting at the door. Their job is to take your money and stamp your hand… also, apparently they are required to ruin at least one person’s night per weekend.

I approached the little table and pointed out my name on the guest list. It was on ‘the list’ because I was performing that evening. As I started to enter the dance, one of the girls (the particularly bitter one) stopped me to give me the news that I couldn’t enter the dance until I shaved. I informed her that I was not, in fact, a BYU student, so her rules didn’t apply to me.

She replied, “It’s a BYU event, so you have to shave if you want to participate.”

“They’ve never made me shave before, and I’ve been coming here for a year now.”

“Well, then the other people haven’t been doing their job then.” She replied snootily.

She then reached under her ‘I-Hate-Men Table of Power’ and handed me a single blade, plastic BIC razor with a bottle of crappy shaving cream. She might as well have handed me a piece of broken glass and a quart of motor oil. It probably would have done a better job.

“Oh no… I’m not shaving with that,” I said. “That’s suicide.”

“Well then you can’t come in.”

“You give me 3 of those razors. One of them will only make it through my sideburns.”

She pulled another two out of the bag. Since the performance time was drawing near, and I can only assume that my team was wondering where I was, I took the razors and headed to the nearest bathroom. Needless to say, I was pissed at this point.

After a painful 15 minutes or so of torture, I had sufficiently removed the necessary facial hair. As a result, my chin, jaw line and neck were a bloody mess. It looked like I had been attacked by a rabid badger who only eats juicy neck meat.

I made it back to the table full of embittered, unmarried BYU women seeking justice on any man who dared to get within a 30 foot radius of their table. One glance at my bloodied face and they burst into laughter. One girl even choked out an attempt at empathy.

“Awwww…” she sighed, with puppy dog eyes.

“Oh don’t EVEN pretend like you pity me. Here’s your freakin’ shaving cream.”

I slammed it on the table and walked away.

I don’t think BYU can expect me to be attending any of their events any time soon. I have never wanted to break my personal mantra of never hitting a girl so badly in my entire life. Nothing would have given me more happiness tonight than to see that girl dangling from a flagpole by her granny-panties.

Nothing is worse than a cold-hearted, prudish BYU coed who doesn’t appreciate a nicely groomed face of scruff.
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10 comments.

Comment on April 6th, 2008.

Dude, thats ridiculous. Why didn’t you just muscle your way past her? Can I beat her up for you? You should have said a swear word and gotten her really worked up :). Seriously, I think I would hate BYU too, but I have a good reason to like it. ME. You should just hate the girl. And next time that happens call me and I’ll come with my camera (it’s quite heavy, and a little blunt force trauma never hurt anyone)

Comment on April 6th, 2008.

holy shit I can’t believe you actually shaved for them.

Then again, you did make an agreement when you signed the honor code … oh wait.

Comment on April 6th, 2008.

holy shit I can’t believe you actually shaved for them.

Then again, you did make an agreement when you signed the honor code … oh wait.

Comment on April 6th, 2008.

So this girl was on a fanastic power trip. I’ve always hated it when people think their interpetation of the rules is the rule. I bet this stickler couldn’t pull out a rule book to prove it. It seems like I always have this same problem with customer service. With HP I was redirected to 3 different people before I even got to the right group. And then my only option was to leave a voice mail. It then took another 4 days for them to get back to me, all because they refused to send my W-4’s to an address not in their system. While BYU does have some ridiculous people, I think it’s a bit more ubiquitous than that university in Provo. I think she deserves to get her butt fired, she upset a lot of people last night, all based on her own personal agenda.

Comment on April 6th, 2008.

I have one word- CLASSIC. Don’t get me wrong, I love The Coug, but some of the students there are out of control. I once went to a Spring fling where one of the girls working the table made my friend safety pin her shirt (that was plenty modest) to her pants because she was “afraid it might come up and show her midriff if she raised her hands.” Needless to say, we removed the pins as soon as we got inside- so ridiculous.

Comment on April 6th, 2008.

Just realize you aren’t special. Bet they’d make Jesus Himself shave if He wanted to get into the dance.

Comment on April 7th, 2008.

you should call and complain, because that girl was (1) rude and (2) wrong, and they shouldn’t have laughed at you after the fact. their number is 801-422-7077 and their manager is gayle nielson. good luck!

el jeffe
Comment on April 7th, 2008.

well, traci certainly has the more Christ-like response. me i would have taken one look at the pear-shaped porker, and told her that i will shave when she obeys the Word of Wisdom, because i am sure you can’t get to be that proportion if you eat right and excercise.

Comment on April 8th, 2008.

I just told my coworkers this story. As if they needed more evidence that Mormons are insane.

Pingback on April 18th, 2008.

[...] demonstrating, in small measure, the damage that was done by the single bladed BIC razor from a few weeks ago at BYU. This image was taken before the bleeding on the cheeks and chin had gushed forth, covering my face [...]

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